Week 2 Summary

Your beloved commissioner's weekend was truly full: a birthday celebration for Kevin that saw horse meat tartare, the witnessing of roof sex, the smoking of 1.3 cigarettes, copious amounts of vodka and whiskey, the emergence of society-threatening "Futon Jay-son", an epic hangover, a number of astonishing fantasy performances, an early season favourite's fall from grace, 2 teams continue undefeated and 2 come-from-behind-thanks-to-MNF-performance victories.

My fascination with Fantasycast continued this Sunday as the second day of a hangover fit well with televised football. The warm glow of my laptop screen fought off the chilly near-fall air and kept my attention riveted to all the league's scoring movements.

Sunday afternoon saw 2 insane RB performances (C. Johnson's 48 pts, and F. Gore's 40) for Devo and Eric/Patrick/Sunny. Sunday evening brought Harris to an extra-frothy lather when Fantasycast wasn't showing the NYG Defensive score properly which only fueled his buyer's remorse for Brady over-payment. And Monday Night Football brought TE fever for Mike D. and Wildcat joy for Jeff Alls.

Average score for Week 2 was 92.7 pts, up slightly from last week's 92.2.

Average margin of victory grew to 29.6 pts from last week's 21.3, with the largest margin of victory at 56.6 points (Gregor's bitch-slap of a beat-down at the hands of the 3-headed monster), and the smallest contest decided by 5.8 pts (Harris' heartbreaking loss to Ashby).


Performer of The Week:

Team T-Dot, despite their inability to follow the most basic of instructions (league registration), or their inability to operate the auction (bid on and bought at least one player they claim they didn't mean to), and a general lack of respect for the rich tradition of the fantasy football fraternity, posted an impressive 131.5 pts. Brees and Gore put up a combined 71.5 pts. Ugh, I think my hangover is coming back

Honourable mention to Mike D. (118.5 pts) and Devo (118.1 pts). Yes, you read that correctly, Mike D. and Devo. Together at last.

Senorita Of The Week:

There's a new Senorita in town this week and her name is Jay Hauser. Jay sucked even harder this week and his poo poo platter of a team only mustered a feeble 57.4 points. But Jay sure looks pretty in her dress. Also, a tip to society at large: Should you ever find yourself at a bar (or 3) with Jay when he has arranged to sleep on his own futon as opposed to his marital bed, beware. The details are blurry, but it is safe to say that an avalanche of alcohol will follow.

2-0 Club:
Two teams enter: Eric/Pat/Sunny and Devo.
About the club: What a difference a week makes. Careful Devo, that 3-headed monster likes to do things that most would not be proud of. If they tap your elbow, slowly move away to the other side of the club.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Kevin - M. Schaub, 44.5 pts. Kev, this is becoming a terrible trend. If this continues, I'm changing the name of the award. At least you'll have that.

Lance - C. Palmer, 29.5 pts - enough to make it close, but not to swing the win in your direction.
Harris - T. Edwards, 25.1 pts. When will you learn that the rest of the league has figured out Brady and the Pats and that your financial management skills simply aren't there.

Gregor - E. Manning, 30.5 pts. It is like you started to believe all the bad things I was saying about him or something. But still nowhere near enough points to save you from your beating.

State of the League:

Call it a smoked meat sandwich - a look at the standings shows 2 teams at 2-0, 2 teams at 0-2, and the meaty rest of the league at 1-1. The young season has already seen triumph and heartbreak, tears of joy and of terror, laughter and wailing, grins and grimaces. And by grimace, I don't mean the purple creature from the McDonald's of your youths.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 1 Summary

I don't know about the rest of you, but this Commissioner spent most of the last 4 days staring at Fantasycast as the back and forth between the various match-ups kept me on the edge of my seat as leads changed frequently in almost every contest. You can only be in one of two categories this week - Winner or Loser.

Average score in this new format was 92.2 points. Are you above or below average where it counts???

Average margin of victory was 21.3 points, with the largest margin of victory at 39.7 points (Gregor over the Care Bear Jew), and the smallest contest decided by 11.6 points (The 3-headed monster over Jeff Alls).


Performer of The Week:

The teas leaves warned of this last week, and I am fearful of what we may be witnessing as Jamie Harris' homo-erotic Team Tap Out put up 117.9 points. Fueled by a slow starting, yet ship-righting Tom Brady and his 31.9 points.

Honourable mention to New Guy, MMA fan, and early favourite, Gregor Davidson and his team's 115.8 points.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh my. We have a new Senorita of Suckitude as Kevin Andrachuk opened wide and sucked it hard this week in not only getting thrashed by me, your beloved commissioner, but also because his "talent" could only muster a mere 64.8 points. Beating Kevin was satisfying, but that his team didn't even compete? A little sad.

1-0 Club:

The Winners - Your Commissioner, Gregor Davidson, Jamie Harris, Eric/Pat/Sunny, Devo, and Hauser.

About the club: it is crowded this year with guests of clearly questionable basis for admission. I'm confident that the coming weeks will separate the wheat from the chaff and this once pristine and hallowed club will return to its exclusive goodness. Until then, I'll be on guard for someone trying to rufie my drink, and we'll keep the good scotch behind the bar.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Madge - Flacco, 33.6 - but not enough to beat Harris.
Kevin - Hasselbeck, 29.5 - the difference would have given you the win this week. Ouch.

State of the League:

I think it is fair to say that the action has lived up to the hype. 50% of the league is happy and 50% of the league are losers. I'll take it. I love the head to head format and personally hope that Drew Brees and his 42.5 points gets hit by the team bus before I have to play Eric/Pat/Sunny.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

The World's Most Over-Priced Tight End

$19. Devo likes to pay for talent.

Post-Auction Refractory Period

Well, that was terribly enjoyable. I think we have a winner on our hands and the season hasn't even started yet.

Let me re-cap the chat for those that were too busy over-bidding for questionable talent:

Tim: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, my hair's on fire, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I miss GE, blah blah, blah.
Kevin: I love cats.
Jay: Tim is gay.
Mike D: How do I turn on the intra-web???


And so it begins. The ESPN league site is awesome. It shows head-to-head projections for each of the week's match-ups, polls for who you think will win, solid line-up management with an easy-to-use (except for Mike D.) interface. The excitement is high.

Prediction Time:

On paper, it looks like (as much as this pains me to admit it) that Mike D., Harris, and Hauser all did well. But then again, if anyone can find a way to fuck it up, I'd vote for the same owners. There is certainly name-brand recognition on their respective rosters. Maybe they are just label whores.

Games start tonight, so set your lineups. The computer randomized the waiver wire, but it is up and running - we're all learning together. The trash talk should be loud and plentiful this year if last night's chat was any indication.

Good luck and bring the pain.