Week 15 / 1st Playoff Round Summary

Week 1 of the playoffs is in the books and it tells a story rich with drama, pathos, and redemption.

Average score rose to 98.2 pts from last week's 94.6 pts as 5 teams posted scores over 115 pts. The average margin of victory narrowed to 20.5 pts as the healthy blow-outs were tempered by 2 close matches.

Match-up #1 - Madge vs. Gregor:

This one is clear proof that Gregor was on Santa's naughty list. In the MNF game, as Gregor's team was making on run, the Giants rested Eli Manning for the 4th quarter. Eli's 32.9 points got him close, but not close enough. Like, just 3.4 pts away. Gregor, what did you do to piss off Santa?

Match-up #2 - Devo vs. Hauser:

50.6 pts from Aaron Rodgers is a BIG advantage. Too big of a hill to climb. The Hauser dream has died on the operating table. Devo and Madge face off for the title this week. In other words, we all lose.

Match-up #3 - Lance vs. Jeff:

Lance's winning streak came to an abrupt end here as Jeff's team put up a strong number. I think we're all glad that he didn't start Jerome Harrison and his 52 pts.

Match-up #4 - Kevin vs. The 3-Headed Monster:

Kevin continues his multi-year strategy by crapping the bed this entire season in order to stock up on waiver wire acquisitions. Unusual? Yes. Effective? Um, we'll see.
Heard at the SAE gathering on Saturday Night: One of the 3 heads wants their own team. Can disaster be far away???

Match-up #5 - Mike D. vs. Harris:

Botttom dweller-on-bottom dweller crime. Mike D., clearly powered by some inner Italian pride thanks to the greatest ever TV show, MTV's Jersey Shore. Mike's near-100 pt week (with 51.9 for Big Ben) was clearly the situation. Jamie was the grenade this week. I suggest you all watch the show, as it is clearly a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Match-up #6 - Fusco vs. Ashby:

Where's your marathon now, Timbo? Finishing ahead of Tim in the regular season was special, but a playoff win is especially sweet. And a come from behind on Bradshaw's 2 TD performance on MNF is even better. I was clearly on Santa's Nice list.

Performer of The Week:

Devo, 146.6 pts. Honourable Mention this week to Madge (122.5 pts).

These 2 face off next week for all the marbles. I know, I know. Nobody wanted to see this.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jamie Harris, 53.1 pts. At least you out-scored Jeff's RB.

State of the League:

The playoff battles continue this week with Madge and Devo squaring off for top spot and Hauser and Gregor fighting it out for 3rd.

In that, um, other bracket we have:

Fusco vs Alls (this is all gravy as Tim has been vanquished)
Lance vs The 3-Headed Monster
Ashby (tee-hee) vs. The Situation
And last and completely least, Kevin vs Harris for bottom of the barrel honours.


Merry Christmas to you all and may 2010 bring you all good health and happiness.




Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 14 Summary - Thy Playoff Lot Is Cast

Week 14. And there it is. I look forward to the opening of the floodgate for excuses and "explanations" by those that missed the playoffs. But for the rest of us, there is the wonderful consolation bracket. Don't give up because the competition continues for all.

Average score dropped slightly to 94.6 pts this week, from last week's 98.3 pts. The average margin of grew to a healthy 31.8 pts from last week's 17 pts as scoring resumed and the matches simply weren't all that close.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by taking down the 3-headed monster and not even calling them the next day.

The top 3 all won and further solidified their grasps on playoff spots while the 4th spot was fought for by Alls, Gregor, and Lance. Gregor got there by winning. Sadly, Lance's Hanukkah wish for the playoffs was scuttled by the blue-eyed devil.

And finally, as I so rarely use this space to share personal stories, I thought I'd take this chance to share my pride in finishing ahead of Ashby this season. I understand that this was a goal shared by many in the league, but only achieved by 7 teams. To those that finished behind him in the standings, fear not as one of you will have a shot at him in the consolation round and the rest can revive this nobel goal next season.

Performer of The Week:

Gregor Davidson, 130.7 pts. I'll say it: I hate the new guy.

Honourable Mentions this week to Devo (126.6 pts and putting Kevin in his place) and Madge (122 pts and not the fade I predicted/hoped for).

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D. 49.8 pts. Thanks for helping me get to .500 and finishing ahead of Ashby. I'm gonna send you something nice for Christmas - did you want the Italian flag or a leg of prosciutto?


10-4 Club:

Madge + Devo + Hauser = The weirdest 3-way ever.



State of the League:

Well, it came down to the wire and the top half of the league was separated by just 2 games. I think it is safe to say that the Head to Head format is a success. It kept people interested as the personal aspect of it really upped the trash talk too.

Here come the playoffs and consolation bracket. The fun continues.

Congratulations to the top 4. Happy Playoffs.


Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 13 Summary - Upsets Are Upsetting. But Also Wonderful.

As our intrepid junior cub reporter / team owner Madge (BTW - if you ever try to freelance in the league communique department again, you will meet a most unfortunate fate) pointed out in his league-wide email yesterday, last night's MNF game had potential impact on all but one of this week's matches. Unfortunately, the game fell far short of the hype as the Ravens could barely move the ball and the 2 teams combined for over 300 yards in penalties, thus sapping many potential yardage points. Week 13 can best be summarized as follows:

If you had a record that was better than your opponent's going into this week, you lost.


Average score rose to 98.3 pts this week, from last week's 94.1 pts. The average margin of victory narrowed to 17 pts from last week's 20 pts as the high scores were absent from the charts.

I really don't know where to start with the upsets, so let's heap praise on me:

Devo's team was as harmless as a de-clawed and mildly sedated kitten while my team played brilliantly and deserve all the credit that is coming their way.

After violating my team's rotting corpse (which beat Devo this week), Kevin moved on to lure Detox into a van near the playground and do bad things to him. Beware his tricks, for they are tricky.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by taking down Jeff Alls despite clearly not paying any attention at all to the kicking situation in New Orleans. That, my friends, is confidence.

Madge fell to Hauser, despite Hauser's recent personal, um, changes. They can take your bullets, but you can still find a way to kill.

The 3-Headed monster showed signs of life as it dispatched Gregor. Sadly it is too little too late.

And finally, in what can only be described as the final sign of the looming apocalypse, Harris soundly thrashed Tim Ashby by 30+ pts. Thy season is tarnished, Timbo.



Performer of The Week:

As much as it shocks me to type this, here is your moment of glory:

Jamie Harris, 130.9 pts. Possibly his highest score ever and a true spoiler if ever there was one.

I think it is safe to safe that this is one of the few occasions that he would be glad to admit he had VD....and his 17 points.

No Honourable Mentions this week as nobody else cleared 110.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jeff Alls, 74.4 pts. As I said to Gregor in this spot last week: Not a good time of year to be fading. Fading all the way out of the playoffs????


The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:

Madge vs. Hauser. 6.4 pts. Close, by no Ray Rice.


9-4 Club:

Hauser took control of his destiny this week and by giving Madge a fantasy reach-around, he got into the club and there he sits with Devo and Madge. Possibly the scariest 3-way ever. But 3 guys are banging on the door and trying to get in.

State of the League:

6 teams playing for 4 spots. And the dregs of the league still have some fight in them so week 14 will be very interesting:

Fusco vs Detox - nothing on the line here except finishing .500 for Fusco and the threat of finishing in last place for Toronto's best looking Bus Stop Advertiser.

Madge vs. Ashby - Madge needs to win to guarantee a spot in the playoffs, Ashby needs to crawl out of the gutter after falling on Harris' shiv.

Lance vs. 3-Headed Monster - Can Lance win his way into the show?

Kevin vs. Devo - Will Kevin crush Devo's dreams? I'll have to consult the Magic 8 Ball.

Harris vs. Hauser - What can be said?

Gregor vs. Alls - Head-to-Head, winner gets into the play-offs.





Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 12 Summary - Brees, Trade Deadline Looms, Violating A Corpse, Giant Slaying, Concussed QBs, Play-off Picture Less Cloudy

After last night's MNF game in N'awlins, at least 2 team owners must be kicking themselves for trading Drew Brees and his 50 point arm. At least one owner must be second-guessing the dollars spent on Tom Brady and all the offers he's rejected. And at least one commissioner is thinking about trading a certain 40-year old QB that has a problem deciding on retirement.

Before I get too far into this week's summary, please take note of the following:

League trade deadline is TOMORROW, WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 2nd, 2009 at Noon. Trades must be proposed AND accepted by that time.

Average score hardly budged yet again this week, coming in at 94.1 pts to last week's 94.7 pts. The average margin of victory grew a bit to 20 pts from last week's 18.5 pts as games were out of heartbreak-by-adjustment range.

I think it is only proper to congratulate Kevin on stopping his epic losing streak, even if it meant he had to violate the corpse of my team. Fortunately, as this league is headquartered in international waters, he will face no charges. I've never more felt like Bud Selig.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by handing Gregor his 4th loss of the season.

Concussed QBs hurt both Hauser and the 3-Headed Monster as Roethlisberger and Warner both sat. In reality, neither would have really changed the outcome as both of you sealed your respective fates when you gave away Brees. I haven't seen a trade this one-sided that didn't involve small pox riddled blankets. This will make Tim completely unbearable. I blame you both.

Performer of The Week:

Devo, 123.8 pts. Dead-cat bounce. Actually, a very strong week from Rodgers and continue production out of Johnson.

Honourable Mention to Tim Ashby, 121.8 points. Have I mentioned that Bress put up 50.8 pts? In one week? And that Hauser and Eric/Pat/Sunny have traded him away this year?

Senorita Of The Week:

Gregor - 65.4 pts. Not a good time of year to be fading. Fading all the way out of the playoffs????


The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:

Nothing closer than 10 points this week. Carry on.


9-3 Club:

Madge and Devo have left the sweaty club behind and checked into a cheap motel room on the wrong side of town. I can't print what was observed.


The Jay Hauser, Eric Wright, Sunny Kim & Pat Smith "What Was I Thinking When I Traded That Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Drew Brees. 50.8 pts.

News: Brees completed 18 of 23 passes for 371 yards and five touchdowns in New Orleans' 38-17 victory over New England on Monday night.
Spin: Brees was otherworldly in this contest, racking up an astonishing 16.1 yards per attempt on his way to a perfect 158.3 passer rating. Saints receivers were running wide open all night long, but there is no denying that Brees was making perfect throws and just absolutely diced up the Patriots' defense. This performance was one for the books.

State of the League:

2 weeks left and the play-off picture is a little less cloudy as 7 of 12 teams are still mathematically in it and the head-to-head format could bring big changes. Lance and Ashby are surging at the right time and have been picking off those ahead of them in the standings. Lance finishes the regular season by taking on Jeff and the 3-Headed Monster while Ashby takes on Harris and Madge. Gregor's fade could spell his demise. Stay tuned.

This week's results added the Commissioner and the 3-Headed Monster to the deadpool and reduced their best-case scenario for both to finishing the season at .500.

Please send your offers for Favre soon.



Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land