Week 7 Summary - Something About Chickens Before They've Hatched and Other Popular Wisdom

Anger is the word as Week 7 brought incredible heart break to our small town. I almost hesitate to even write this summary as things have change overnight and the ESPN site says scores are not final until Saturday. Let's take a look at who was hurt, how they were hurt and why, oh why does it hurt so much...

Average score came in at 99.99 this week, down just a touch from last week's 101.2 pts as scores stayed out of the 50's and 60's and no one really crapped the bed.

The average margin of victory narrowed to just 13.5 pts from last week's big 44.2 pts as matches remained close with two decided by less than a point (more on this shortly0 and the biggest win was by 31.5 as Mike D. could not take advantage of Madge's return to strong-but-not-outrageous scoring.


Performer of The Week:

Out of the ashes and showing some signs of life is new guy, bon vivant, and friend of Kevin, Gregor Davidson. His team chalked up a big 132.9 pts, fueled by Ricky Williams' 27 pts and strong contributions from the TE and D/ST positions. His win also continued to pile up the evidence for the Case Against Devo. It is all an illusion, Devin. Smoke and mirrors. Mark my words.

No honourable mentions this week as nobody else cleared the 120 point mark.

Senorita Of The Week:

Fusco - 75.1 Points.
Brian Westbrook - 3 carries. 13 yards. 1 Knee to the head. 1 concussion. A whole bunch of heartbreak. And even worse, a loss to Tim. UGH.



5-1 Club:

The herd has thinned a bit as Madge took care of Alls, but Devo just keeps hanging around the back door to the club and sneaking in every time the dishwasher goes out for a smoke. Sure, he's in the club, but does he really belong???


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Too tough to award this one this week as the 3 close games could have been swung either direction too many ways with almost any player substitution. Oh wait, nothing could have saved Harris, he still would have lost to Lance. Harris, maybe not such a good idea to make bold predictions on the boards:

Jamie Harris (Oct 25 1:11 PM): I am predicting a streak of 3 or 4 wins starting this week. Don't be afraid to vote.

Maybe that streak will start next week....

Not once, but twice did the game results change overnight. First, the 3-headed monster's sweet Sunday night slumber was all for naught as a Monday morning scoring adjustment to Brees' total swung them from squeaker of a win to a squeaker of a loss and an early Christmas present for Kevin. Once again, the chat transcript tells the story:

Mith Bobo (Oct 23 7:04 PM): It's closer than you think Kevin, and its a must win on your way to a break even season.

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 2:18 PM): I know its close....its going to come down to Drew Brees having to pass for 350 yards and three scores.

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 6:22 PM): Or most of your team crapping themselves

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:14 PM): KABBBOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:41 PM): Uh oh!!

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 7:42 PM): What was that? you better hope Breaston scores some points...

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:49 PM): an average night would do it. i think he will

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 8:47 PM): Well, there it is. Chalk up another shit loss.

Mith Bobo (Oct 26 6:46 AM): Nice win Kev. Fricken point adjustment

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 26 7:58 AM): What happened? Nice!

And as if that wasn't enough drama for one week, last night a brought similar heartbreak/joyous combo to the Hauser/Alls match. A MNF performance for Alls from DeSean Jackson had brought him a 1 point lead from a 30+ point deficit before the game. The chat doesn't reveal the same emotional roller coaster as the Kevin / 3-Headed monster match, but paints the scene:

JEFF Lastname (Oct 26 12:50 PM): (McNabb to Jackson for the TD)x4

Jay Hauser (Oct 27 8:07 AM): Point Adjustment?

The moral of the story:

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Technology is ruining our lives.
Kevin's luck just changed, and beware.
Pat/Sunny/Eric are being punished.
Hauser clearly found someone to bribe at ESPN.



State of the League:

We've reached the mid-way point of the season, and your beloved Commissioner has some observations:

The Good News:

• Nobody has been eliminated from the playoff picture yet. But Harris is coming close as he is 5 games behind with 7 to play. A 6 game losing streak makes you question everything you've ever done. Or so I've read.
• Devo's 2nd loss proves my point that his time at the top was all an illusion. He will fall to his usual mid-packery soon.
• Things are still competitive, but time is running out.
  

The Bad News:

• Madge looks strong and his 6 game win streak is upsetting.
• 5 teams are behind Tim. At least 5 owners are seeing their pre-season goal of "Just beat Tim" in jeopardy.
• Lance has the worst good team. Pain to come. Just like the Buffalo fan that he is.
• Harris, Eric/Sunny/Pat, and Mike D. are all in deep, deep trouble. Fire sale time???
  

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 6 Summary - Holy Offense! / Defensive Suckitude / Kevin Wins!:

Average jumped over 100 for the first time this week to 101.2 pts from last week's 87.9 pts, as offense was the story this week. Big weeks from 5 of six winning teams with score of over 110 pts.

Average margin of victory nearly doubled to 44.2 pts from last week's 22.6 pts as the closest match was still a blow-out by almost 20 points. This week's largest margin of victory was a shocking 92.6 points as Madge handed Jeff most of his man-bits in a battle of 4-1 teams. Kevin spanked Lance (and not in they way he likes to be spanked) by 64.5 pts and Harris received his second 40 point beat down in a row at the hands of Devo and his resurgent squad of misfits.


Performer of The Week:

Madge's team of criminals, no-names and the criminally insane threw up a massive 169.8 points (positively Fusco-like, by the way). His team was firing on all cylinders with double-digit performances from almost every position.

Honourable mentions this week go to Devo with a strong 129.9 pts and to Kevin with 125.8 pts, and his first victory. Lance was clearly bribed into taking a dive by starting 3 Buffalo Bills positions and will forever be remembered as the guy that stopped Kev's historically bad losing streak. Kevin has also declared to the commissioner's office that he will run the table on his remaining games. We'll see about that.

Senorita Of The Week:

Lance Richter, 61.3 points. Where did it go wrong for him? Everywhere. I'm deeply concerned that his affinity for the Buffalo Bills is getting in the way of his ability to compete. Someone needs to talk to him. Devo, care to tell him your sad tale about the Raider fan???

Honourable Mention to Mike D. and his 63 points. He tried to suck, but couldn't suck as hard as Lance. How many real estate bidding wars do you think he's managed to win by simply staring at his clients and saying, "Choose balls 100% of the time."???



5-1 Club:

The herd has thinned a bit as Madge took care of Alls, but Devo just keeps hanging around the back door to the club and sneaking in every time the dishwasher goes out for a smoke. Sure, he's in the club, but does he really belong???


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Nobody had enough points on the bench to save them from their loss, but this week did see the first application of the blow-out penalty. Harris' NY Giant D/ST coughed up a massive, brown-sheeted 48 points to the Saints thus earning him a -10 pt penalty. Beware the blowout, as this league adds insult to injury. Had his defense held them to just 3 fewer points and had he started Maroney, he would have only lost by 9 pts. Harris has joined Kevin in the basement at 1-5, soon to be there alone as Kev's streak of being 1st on the waiver wire has bolstered his squad with some solid talent.

State of the League:

Things remain competitive as 7 teams sit at .500 or better and nobody has run away with it yet. At lunch the other day, one owner who shall remain nameless, asked whether any teams had been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Not yet is the reply, but things should shake out in the coming weeks. However, I still think some teams need to make some moves to help themselves. Trading is fun. Get out there, make some friends, have fun, and please be safe.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 5 Summary - Turkeys Weren't The Only Thing Stuffed This Week:

The chill of the autumn air. Moist turkey on an overloaded plate. Drunken relatives and in-laws with difficult to remember names. 3 kinds of pie for dessert. One winning streak that would not stand. One losing streak that may never end. I'm thankful for all of it.

Average score for Week 5 fell to 87.9 from last week's healthy 93.6 pts, as a return to scores in the 50s and 60s by 4 of the teams brought shame and the stink of failure back to our beloved league.

Average margin of victory increased to 22.6 pts from 17.3 pts as only one contest ended close. This week's largest margin of victory was especially fabulous as Harris was stuffed like the new guy in prison by your suddenly competitive commissioner by a margin of 39.9 points. This week's squeaker was decided by a mere 3 points as Hauser squeezed out another close one over the 3-Headed Monster.

Performer of The Week:

Gregor showed some bounce back as he threw up 136.8 points this week in a very personal, hope-crushing victory over Kevin. His best performance of the year and his first 100+ showing since Week 1.

Honourable mention this week to Kevin, 113.5 points. Not huge, but enough for a victory had he played any other team in the league. But no, a 5 week losing streak instead. I bet your turkey was dry and mashed potatoes were gluey.

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D. clearly phoned it in this week with a very young lady like 56.2 points. Or less than half of Kevin's total. Of special importance, Mike's QB, Derek Anderson -0.8 pts. That's some good decision making. Also, when are we going to see you on bus stop advertising???

Honourable Mention to Devo and his 72.5 points. Not the second lowest, but low enough to stop your winning streak and add more proof to the working theory that your record was and remains a fortunate one.
See what happens when you call out the league settings??? Do you see now?



4-1 Club:

All of a sudden, things are very crowed in the leader's lounge. Exclusivity be damned, as it looks like ladies night. In the club: Devo (membership under review), Madge (4 game winning streak and highly unbearable), Jeff Alls (also a 4 game winning streak), and Hauser (3 game winning streak, 2 of which were by 3 points or less, so his admittance is questionable). Don't get too comfy as next week will bring change as Madge and Alls face off.


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

There was only one instance were a benched player would have swung the result. Had Sunny/Eric/Patrick started Breaston over Avant, his 6 points would have given you the victory and saved us all from a week of Hauser's boasting...you bastards.

State of the League:

Let's talk about Kevin for a minute and review his PR strategy:

Week 1: He was just glad to get his STB week out of the way.
Weeks 2-4: He was a victim of a TE success conspiracy.
Week 5: He finds this whole thing "funny".

Kevin, I admire your coping skills. They are highly evolved.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 4 Summary - Back Online, But 2 Constants Remain

Read it online here:
http://cebfl.blogspot.com/

or for you Blackberry-istas:

Week 4 Summary:

Your beloved commissioner went back, waaaay back to 1994 this last week. Watching football without Fantasycast is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - even Madge.

The sacrifices I've made in the last week are many. I had to go to a sketchy internet cafe in Korea town to even set my line-up. The good news - I now understand why there are fewer teen-aged hooligans at our malls and on our streets - they are all in poorly-lit internet cafes playing online video games at $2.50/hr.

Average score for Week 4 jumped back up to 93.6 pts, as nobody posted a score in the 50s or 60s.

Average margin of victory fell to 17.3 pts from last week's 23.8 pts, as the games were generally closer with one major exception. That exception happened to also be the largest margin of victory at a healthy 48.5 points (as Jeff continued his white on white crime spree and did very bad things to Tim Ashby and most of his extended family). The closest match came down to 7.5 points (Lance's 2nd win over a waiver-wire-solstice-seeking Mike D.), but it can hardly be called a squeaker. In the "Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" category, Madge came in far short of the 30 pt project win over my shitty team.


Performer of The Week:

Jeff Alls threw up 120.9 points is his Ashby-crushing week with solid contributions throughout his line-up and with 3 guys on bye weeks and Kerry Collins as his QB. Jeff has always lived on the edge. I blame his simple country upbringing.

No honourable mentions this week. Not enough points to talk about anybody else.

Senorita Of The Week:

Sadly, I don't have a picture of Tim in a dress. I'm sure there's a number of such pictures out there, I just don't have one. Maybe Hauser has a collection. But, this is almost as good. Curling changes a man. And so does being SOTW. 72.4 points. Not terrible, but the worst of the bunch this week.

4-0 Club:
Ugh. Does anyone else find this story line boring? I'm almost as sick of hearing about Devo as I am about the Favre story. Is it possible that Madge's prophecy will come true this week?

Let's poke holes in Devo's streak:

Week 1: A mild 20 pt thrashing of Mike D. A win technically, but hardly a victory.
Week 2: A 118.1 to 74.3 beatdown of me, your beloved Commissioner. Credit where credit is due. Quite the victory.
Week 3: A 118.3 to 79.6 molestation of 'He who is without a win". Shouldn't beating Kevin only count as 1/2 a win???
Week 4: A 87.6 to 77 pt tap on the shoulder to a weakened 3-Headed Monster. No Gore and little contribution from Brees. Quite a points fall off.

That's right folks, he clearly should be 2-2 or 1-3. I'll give him the win over Kev, but the rest of his victories are questionable at best.



The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

No award this week as no bench player would have helped enough to change any team's fortune. Bye weeks force the results some, or perhaps everybody's ESP is simply clicking right now.

State of the League:

Nice balance in the distribution of the standings. One team at 4-0, three at 3-1, four at 2-2, three at 1-3, and one at 0-4. It would make a pretty graph for all you who remember standard deviation.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 3 Summary - Empty Threats, Broken Promises, and Technical Issues

I'm back you bastards. The shadow people tried to take me off the air by blowing up my computer and sending me back to life in 1994 for a week, but i made it through one of the world's toughest ordeals. And now, I'm back to fill the cavernous void in your lives that you've missed for weeks 3 and 4. Both summaries will be published/distributed. Be grateful, bitches. Be grateful that I'm still writing this given how awful my team is. Be grateful I share my thoughts with you. Be grateful that you know me.

Read it online here:
http://cebfl.blogspot.com/

or for you Blackberry-istas:

Week 3 Summary:

Your beloved commissioner experienced the nearest thing to Chinese water torture (at least since those 26 unfortunate days outside of Shanghai in 1992, but I digress) last night as I watched with with great hope that Romo and Witten would get the 30 points I needed to beat Mike D. They didn't and now my name circles the same toilet bowl as most of the league owners I attempt to avoid in my everyday life.

Scoring fell to less insane levels as the monster performances were really limited to Peyton Manning's 42.4 points. Plus Brees could only muster 6.6 pts and Gore went down with an injury. C. Johnson cooled off too and could post just 9 points.

Average score for Week 3 was 83.6 pts, down significantly from last week's 92.7.

Average margin of victory fell to 23.8 pts from last week's 29.6, with the largest margin of victory at a monster 60 points (As Jeff prison raped Gregor and any happy dreams Gregor may ever have) and 2 contests fell into the squeaker category, decided by 1.4 pts (Lance's toss of Eric/Sunny/Pat's salad in a bed crapping tete-a-tete) and 1.5 pts (Hauser's reach-around on Harris).


Performer of The Week:

Devo put in another strong week despite Johnson's fall off in points generation by posting 118.3 points thanks to good performances from A. Rodgers and D. Mason. This should add considerably to his smugness.

Honourable mention to Jeff Alls (116.4 pts) and Madge (112.4 pts). Ugh, this could get ugly.

Senorita Of The Week:

Despite the best bed-crapping efforts of Lance (59 pts) and Sunny/Eric/Pat (57.6 pts), there is a new Senorita this week as pre-season favourite and new guy Gregor Davidson puked up a wee 56.4 points. The other senoritas will welcome you with girly drinks and make-up tips.

3-0 Club:
One man stands alone in the club. Devin Mackesy, you magnificent bastard. Although beating Kevin can hardly be considered an accomplishment, the club is yours. Since Madge has already targeted you with his UFC style pre-match hype, we'll just sit back and wait for you to lose in Week 5. The upside here is that having coffee or lunch with Sunny/Eric/Pat will be bearable again now that they have tasted defeat.



A Special Contribution From Patrick Smith dedicated to Kevin Andrachuk:

Perhaps it is Pat's drift into his golden years, but he wants to contribute to the weekly summary and his ideas are numerous. He clearly takes pleasure (as we all do) in Kevin's record and has offered the following user-suggested content:

Can we call Kevin "Agent 00-3"?

Who he is: A 00 agent. 003 was present at the Thunderball meeting.

Where he is now: Deceased, presumably still in Siberia where his body was found by 007.

How he was dispatched: He was killed by Russian KBG guards in Siberia whilst on a mission to steal a microchip. 007 finds 003, takes the chip, and reports back in London , after a spectacular escape from the KGB guards in A View To A Kill.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Lance - J. Campbell, 30.7 pts - fortunately fate decided to frown on your opponent and you didn't need the points.

State of the League:

Someone must get Devo. This is not a test. Have him killed, get a free steak from the Commissioner.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land