MOST WEEKS IN FIRST PLACE:

Perhaps another "empty" award, as the only week one needs to be in first place is the last week, but as our last chart shows, Pat spent the most weeks in the lead (7), including the one that matters.

PROOF YOU CAN'T ADD/DROP YOUR WAY TO VICTORY:

True to history, this was a hard fought battle between Ashby and Hauser. Despite 9 moves on the final weekend of play, Tim was unable to topple Hauser's mighty score of 61 moves. Hauser, of course, comes by this honestly as he was the only victim of the "2008 Auto Draft Rapist" and had to spend as much time on his roster as he does on his pretty, pretty hair.

THE MOST TOP PERFOMER OF THE WEEK AWARDS:

This one, like most awards, is a bit of an empty accomplishment. While it is a great feeling to lead the week and see your team name mentioned as having vanquished the others, the reality is the last score is the only one that matters. So, despite his 2nd place finish, Tim Ashby had the most high weekly scores. Weeks 7, 8, 11, and 15 were all about you.

SENORITA OF THE YEAR AWARD

This year's award for most Senorita of The Week Awards goes to...

...
...
...

Mike D.

I doubt too many are shocked by this announcement, but the statistics and charts do not lie. There's always next year Mike.

Whew, That Was Taxing.

Alright, 1-12 posted, commented upon, and for all the world to see. I'll be taking a break, but will be back soon with the year end awards and charts for Devo.

1st Place / Gold Medal - Next Stop, Bottom of The Barrel

Patrick Smith, 1841.98 points. 4 players in the top 25.

Patrick finished strong, as he:

• Registered his first "Performer of the Week" award with 160.38 points
  
• Registered the second highest weekly score of the year (let the record reflect Fusco's greatness as he set the record at 179.03 points)
• Founded and is sole member of the 1800 Point Club
• Logged the most weeks in the lead (7, including the final 6)
  
• Refrained from beating Roxy, his chocolate lab, for Christmas
• Successfully held off a charging Tim Ashby who had vowed to "get Pat from behind"

The Commissioner's Office congratulates Pat on his win and has been petitioned by the other owners to classify his victory as a statistical anomaly stemming solely from his abundance of fortune/luck/karma and remove any evidence of the victory from the league archives. The Commissioner's Office is considering the petition.

Pat's Keys To Victory:

• The Great QB Heist of 2008 as pulled on poor, unsuspecting Devo (P. Rivers and L. Moore for T.J. Houshmanzadeh and F. Gore).
• Fire Sale-Gate 2008 - he dazzled poor, unsuspecting Eric/Sunny with the kind of poetry that brings tears to the eyes of a sixth grade girl, arranged for Graham to get hurt on his first play back, milked Barber for 20+ points, and then gave back Barber and arranged for him to get injured upon his return to play. You didn't think I was going to let that one go did you?
• One additional count of waiver wire manipulation in the acquisition of Pierre Thomas which proved accretive to his point total and damaging to the Commissioner's.
• Playing dumb but acting smart.
• Threatening to beat family pet unless the Barber trade was allowed by Commissioner's office.

2nd Place / Silver Medal - A Kwanzaa Miracle?

Tim Ashby, 1774.32 points. 2 players in the top 25.

Tim assembled the fantasy football equivalent of the island of misfit toys and rode it to a second place finish. His collection of castaways, drops, waiver wire orphans, and back-ups-who-hadn't-started-a-game-since-high-school proved a potent combination of short-fused molitov cocktails and buck shot.

Matt Cassel - Hmmm....let me check my records, Oh yeah, NOBODY called that.

DeAngelo "Buick Enclave" Williams - Even Hauser didn't call that one. Such a sensitive subject, feel free to call Hauser and discuss it with him.

Rob Bironas - ROB FREAKIN' BIRONAS!!!!!

Just look at his roster. I ask you, prior to this year, did the NFL even sell these players' jerseys???

Tim managed to post the highest weekly score 4 times and yet never found his way into the league lead. As is his signature, he spent the entire season "coming from behind". While weeks 1-6 were not his finest, from Week 7 on, he never posted a score below 94 points.

Now that the season is over, would someone please get him to stop using the add/drop function on the website?

3rd Place / Bronze Medal - A Chanukah Miracle

Lance Richter, 1716.85 points. 3 players in the top 25.

Given the current state of the auto industry, the credit market lock-up, the state of the world economy, and the fact that Toronto Life recently dubbed Hamilton as a great place to live, finishing 3rd in the league may be the high point of 2008 for Lance.

His 2nd half strength, his stealthy consistency and his near-silent participation allowed him to move securely into 3rd place, with no threat to his podium place. Secretly, Lance is very pleased that he beat Kevin. We haven't discussed it, but I know it to be a fact.

4th Place - He'll Cherish His "Participant" Medallion Right Up Until The Moment He Throws It In The Nearest Trash Can

Kevin Andrachuk, 1679.24 points. 4 players in the top 25.

Kevin's Yahoo! Fantasy Sports Trophy case has been soiled. Somebody call the TDSB custodians! He is not pleased with how things played out this year. He will be vocal at the league's summer meetings. Beware his wrath, as his scorn knows no bounds.

Kevin exuded his usual, post-draft, quiet confidence as he had executed his time-honoured strategy of filling his fantasy cupboards with RBs. His confidence level rose when he moved into the league lead at the start of the 2nd half of the season. You'll notice that his email volume increased with his league ranking, and fell in turn. He has taken these results personally and his disappointment is profound.

Kevin has built a cabin in the woods and stocked it with sherry, a mechanical typewriter, reams and reams of paper, and some packs of cigarettes he "forgot" about. He will retreat to the cabin to write his "Treatise On Fantasy Football". It will be the definitive discussion on the subject. He will be read by the intellectual under-belly of sport. He will be revered as a deity by some misguided youth gangs. He will allow nature to rule his shaving schedule. His cabin will eventually be stormed by a militia from the Eastern Townships that will claim to not understand his writings. But they will really want him to found the Quebec Communist and Fantasy Football Party. They will win multiple seats in their first federal election.

5th Place - Tarnished Greatness

Matthew Fusco, 1655.82 points. 2 players in the top 25.

• Single highest scoring week ever - 179.03 points.
• A truly great commissioner.
• Victim of a conspiracy of injury-causing physical attacks against his key players.
• Kind to children and animals.
• A healthy and strong smile.
• His ideas shape the way for future generations.
• When you speak of him, speak of him well.
  

6th Place - Dream Crusher and Enabler

Devin Mackesy, 1572.57 points. 1 Player in the top 25.

Devo's 2008 To Do List:

1. Welcome a son into this world and provide a loving and caring home for him.
(Check.)

2. Agree to a trade with Patrick Smith, giving him a top QB when he was stranded in the QB desert, blowing in the QB wind, and rudderless in the dark QB sea all at the same time. Thus filling out his roster, catapulting him into contention, sealing your own fantasy football fate, turning on your brothers, and disappointing any and all commissioners that you consider a personal friend.
(Ummm...Check.)

3. Crush Harris' dreams by overtaking him for 6th place in the last game of the season whilst keeping a shred of fantasy dignity intact by finishing in the top half.
(Check.)

4. Salvage one good thing from the 2008 Como Esta Bitches Fantasy Football Season by having the highest overall scoring player (Drew Brees, 366.93 points) and continue the Mackesy tradition of having 1 player account for a huge chunk of your team's points.
(Check.)

Half Time

My brilliant prose deserves a break. Besides, my cleaning lady will be here any minute and I don't like to be around while she cleans. Check back later today for commentary on the top half of the league, secrets from the commissioner's office, and some special, end of season awards that no one will want to display on their mantle.

7th Place - A Dream Crushed and A Near Miss

Jamie Harris, 1560.84 points. 3 players in the top 25.

Harris' stated goal was to finish in 6th place. He had a multi-year plan to inch his way up the standings, place by place, year by year. He failed. He finished in 7th and just. He was the beneficiary of the Antonio Gates ankle sprain. As the night game began, Harris was a sitting duck having had all his players in afternoon games. Devo had Royal and Bell and Alls had the aformentioned Gates. I had blackberry messenger and Harris was just a few keystrokes away. It was highly entertaining as the points and time tic...tic...tic..'ed by. Harris even sent me a crying emoticon when Devo passed him. And he felt much joy when I informed him of the injury to Gates.

Our IM conversation actual saw Harris go through a number of the stages of dealing with loss:

Acceptance:
Jamie: I am screwed
Matthew J. Fusco: What, 14 points not enough cushion for ya???
Jamie: Apparently not
Jamie: Look how many players Devo still has to play
Jamie: All players that will be playing today
Matthew J. Fusco: Warner, pennington and westbrook is a lot of potential points.
Jamie: Warner will be taken out before the end of the hald
Jamie: Half
Matthew J. Fusco: Where's the faith???
Jamie: These winds screwed me

Anger:
Jamie: Grrrr
Jamie: Ok the Stat Tracker is going off for another year
Matthew J. Fusco: But you still have a 1.6 pt lead...
Jamie: I am not optimisitic somehow
Matthew J. Fusco: quiters never win. Blah blah blah
Matthew J. Fusco: Tic...
Matthew J. Fusco: 0.9 pts
Matthew J. Fusco: Tic...
Jamie: :'(
Matthew J. Fusco: Tic...

Bargaining:
Jamie: I could live with the same place as last year



Top of the bottom half means nothing.

8th Place - A Rookie's Story

Jeff Alls, 1559.95 Points. 2 Players in the top 25.

In what might be the biggest kick to the balls moment, Jeff was about to overtake Harris for 7th place with Antonio Gates playing in the night game and Harris sitting idle. 7th was in his grasp as Gates needed just 10 more yards with more than half the game to play. But it simply was not to be as a mild ankle sprain benched Gates, and sealed Jeff's fate to 8th place. 0.89 points is an awfully small margin.

On the other hand, Jeff started out strong, took to trading like a rock star to smack, and I'm fairly confident that he will be back next year and may even want to sit on the rules committee. I think he's hooked. Now If I could just get him to start smoking again, that would be awesome.

9th Place - The Boy Who Cried "Auto Draft" and Cried and Cried

Jay Hauser, 1529.47 points. 0 Players in the top 25.

Jay's constant bitching and whining about auto draft reminded me of the scene in Shawshank Redemption when Andy tells Red that he was framed, Red claims to being the only guilty man in Shawshank and asks another prisoner, "what you in for?" His reply, "Lawyer screwed me".

10th Place - Sadness Reigns in Burlington

J. Madge, 1514.16 points. 3 players in the top 25.

Despite loading up with LT and AP, Madge's team left us all underwhelmed. And while injuries limited their respective performances, both RBs started to turn it on during the last portion of the season including LT's 27.60 points yesterday. Too little. Too late.

The one benefit of Madge's stinky performance was a limited number of outbursts from the 905. I didn't have to get a single restraining order against him this year and managed to see him a number of times socially throughout the year without incident. Dreams can come true.

I don't know what news was worse for Madge to hear this holiday season - finishing in 10th place or learning that the actor that played Johnny Cakes on The Sopranos died. But I imagine the toughest news of all is finishing behind Hauser.

11th Place. A Sociological Experiment Involving The Introduction of Chaos Into A Controlled Environment

Eric and Sunny, 1397.82 points.

What started as an anonymous team, whose identity was only known by league officials became the lightning bolt of controversy and brought disturbance to our little hamlet of competition. While Sunny has tried repeatedly to distance himself from "Fire Sale-gate", and Eric has claimed to have acted alone, the tapes shall reveal complicity, conspiracy and guilt. Eric has even taken to fleeing to the islands to escape pending prosecution, and Sunny has fled to East York, knowing I won't go there. Well played.

Thy judgement commeth right soon.

12th Place. Also Known As Dead Last Place:

Mike D. with 1165.23 points.

Is anyone really surprised?

At least he closed it out in style by putting up yet another Senorita Of The Week performance. But it looks like Mike, ever the optomist, is able to get passed his crushing fantasy pool defeat as his beloved Cards of Arizona have made it to the playoffs. Kevin and I will be meeting Mike to watch the game next Saturday. Think of it as moral support. All are welcome to join us. Location TBD. In the interim, Kevin is taking a crash course in suicide counselling to deal with the emotional let down that we will witness as the mighty Atlanta Hawks do very bad things to Mike D's Cards. I am knitting Mike a Cards tea cozy.

Be Like Mike - Keys to How Mike Finished Last:

• Attending the draft for his "other" fantasy league in lieu of drafting his own team in the only league that matters.
• Sleeping through the first 4 weeks of the season
• Believing in Culpepper
• Leaving S. Jackson and his 33.5 points on the bench this weekend. And other times.
• Only having 1 player (T. Jones) in the top 25.
  

First to Worst. Let down of let downs. Patrick, take a look at your future.

Wait. I can and will do better.

I shall now post player by player summaries starting with last place. Hold on to your hats, this could ruin Christmas.

Week 17 Summary

So there it is. Another year in the bag.

Week 16 Summary - Far From Over

Interesting Developments:

Lots of movement in the the penultimate week of the season. Week 16 saw big point harvests on both Thursday and Saturday nights, the Cards get crushed by the Pats (and further proof that Cassel is a genetic duplicate of Brady and that Bill Belichick is hugely involved in the human genome project), Tennessee spank Pittsburgh, yet another Detroit loss, a Cincy shut out, and another 4 TD performance by DeAngelo "Buick Enclave" Williams. Average scoring came in at 93.28 points.

Week 16 also brought a rather dynamic leadership situation as Pat and Tim see-sawed back and forth swapping the role of leader countless times. A productive MNF for Pat's Green Bay players saw him re-claim the lead. Pat now leads Tim by just 4.53 points going into the final week of play. Speaking with Pat over the weekend, you could hear the stress and concern in his voice and in his words.

What I miss from these so-called leaders is the trash talk and bravado. Where's the over-confident verbage? Where's the riot-instigating emails? Where's the self-important team names? When Kev was in the lead, he spewed confidence. When I was in the driver's seat, I let everybody know how good I was. Even Tim tried to pound his chest a bit in the only way that Tim can. But Pat, what the hell kind of a winner are you?!?!?! This facade of humility will not stand!


Performer of The Week:

Lance, in his Chanukah present to us all, had all the candles in the menorah lit as he chalked up a big week with 134.60 points. He is a virtual lock on 3rd place, but he might just have an outside chance of teaching Pat and Tim a lesson about who to watch. Um, very outside. But, boy they wouldn't see that coming.

Honourable mention to Timbo, who racked up 133.36 DeAngelo-fuelled points. Close, but no cigar.

Senorita Of The Week:

Poetic Seals, 59.26 points. Eric/Sunny continue their fade. I am comfortable in making the following prediction:

You will finish in second last place. Mike D. is not a threat to your standing.

See what happens when you mess with The Fusco?

1600 Point Club:

Another week and another club for Timbo and Pat. Good for you guys.

In what shall be called, "Commissioner's Privilege", the league has rounded Fusco's score of 1599.87 to 1600 hundred to allow entry into the 1600 point club. Call it member emeritus status or whatever the hell you like, but he's in the club and he's self-medicating again.

Finally, in what can only be called a Christmas Miracle, it would appear that the club is inclusive and non-denominational, as it has accepted its first Jewish member. Welcome Lance. While there are many kosher options at the buffet, I suggest the bacon. We won't tell.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Oh Patrick. Why oh why abandon your winning ways. Benching P. Rivers and his many points (32.28 in this example) may have cost you the whole enchilada. Or at least a burrito. Cincy D's 23 shutout points also would have been helpful. What will you do next week? Can you out-think those that aren't thinking? Could this be the error that we look back on and mock you about for years to come?

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 5.20 points. No TDs, 2 fumbles.

LT - 11.0 points. No TDs.

Midge - 10th place. Those briefs signs of a pulse must have been some sort of false-positive. Hauser has gapped you and it looks like you're back in no man's land.

I think Madge paid me a compliment at the Fraternity dinner on Saturday night, but I'm not sure. Now granted, I was self-medicating with robaxa-scotches and vodkas, but Madge said something along the lines of, "There may be better statistical analysis out there and Simmons usually writes a funnier column each week, but I look forward to Tuesday mornings." High praise indeed, and it is much appreciated.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Did your beloved Cards ever look horrible on Sunday in their 47-7 beat-down in New England. Watching the game in all its snowy-HD glory was entertaining but heartbreaking as the mental picture of you sobbing uncontrollably in your official Arizona Cardinal pyjamas (with feet, of course) taught me how truly fortunate I am this holiday season for not being a Cards fan. I look forward to watching their play-off game with you. I'll bring the chicken wings and a box of moisturizing tissues for you.

You know it is bad when former defensive lineman and current sideline reporter Tony Siragusa is saying things like "At some point you play at least for respect". Ouch.

State of the League:

Just one week of play remains and a few of the games actually mean something. Despite, the changes this week, we still have a number of battles:

The battle to win it - We have a shaken Pat, a surging Tim and a lurking Lance. OK, Lance is probably a non-factor (see below), but who knows. Can Pat hold off Tim for one more week? Can Tim continue the surge or will he STB? Will the many permutations of meaningful and meaningless games, injuries, rest, and weather prove to be the difference? Will it come down to a man-to-man battle?

Bronze medal battle - As I wrote last week, this one is about dignity. Well Happy Chanukah, Lance, the dignity is all yours. Kevin and I are out of it. Or are we?

Off the podium (4th & 5th), but plotting revenge against the others - It is Kevin and me. Saturday's fraternity dinner also brought some candid analysis of the season that was. If you buy Kevin a number of guiness, he might share that candid analysis with you.

The Battle to finish in the Top Half - Harris has 6th place and has stretched his lead over Alss from 18 to 21 points. Will it be enough? I think I still have an issue with Harris being satisfied with his "accomplishment". Someone once said that the secret to happiness was low expectations. I think I fired them.

Then the rest:

Devo - how the mighty have fallen. I think it was that crack about graphing the commissioner's performance.

Hauser - Just to confirm, auto-draft screwed you, right? Some would say that life is an auto-draft sometimes.

Madge - See you own section above. A number of readers have written in demanding that section be cut next year.

Eric / Sunny - It was amazing to see you two in the same room on Saturday. It was funny to watch Sunny try to distance himself from anything to do with the league.

Mike D. - Well, you know.


MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 15 Summary

Oh My. My Oh My:

World's have crumbled. The sky has fallen. Up is down. Black is white. Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria. Week 15 brought the highest of highs to one owner and the lowest of lows to at least three of his competitors. It brought paranoia (Pat) and anticipation (Tim), elation (Tim) and deflation (Kev/Fusco/Mike D.), denial (Fusco) and acceptance (Kev/Fusco), confusion (Jay and Tim) and understanding (anyone that saw Pat's charts).


Performer of The Week:

Ashby does it again. His 135.93 points allowed him to jump ahead of me and squarely into 2nd place, and hunting Pat down like a rabid chocolate lab that has turned on its owner. This new league order raises so many questions:

Is it inevitable that Tim will win this thing?
Can Pat hang on for 2 more weeks?
Did anyone ever think this could happen?
When will Kevin start using the demands of his 14 fantasy basketball leagues as an excuse?
Will Harris achieve his dream of finishing in the top half? (Way to dream big, pal)
Will Mike D. have his hear broken by his much-loved Cards?
Will Hauser ever stop blaming autodraft? Or maybe he'll start blaming auto-add/drop next...
Will Eric and Sunny ever co-manage again?
Will Jeff Alls return to fight again next year or was his 2nd half fade too emotionally crushing?
Will Devo fall prey to Madge in the standings?
Will we ever hear from Lance again?
How many sacks is too many sacks? 8? 9? 14?
Did the people behind the "Whopper Virgin" campaign come up with the campaign first and then do the experiment or did they do the experiment, hold back the results, and then sell the idea and results to Burger King?


The thought of losing to Pat and Tim leads me to the following thoughts and options:

1) Declare "force majeur", freeze league, and run off to Costa Rica with league revenues. Sadly, revenues will not even buy lunch.
2) Carve "Red was here" over my doorway, tighten noose, and kick chair. Sadly, revenues will not cover cost of rope.
3) Stop writing summaries. Call off the whole blog thing and submit resume to Major League Baseball for possible commissioner opening.
4) Hand keys to the league to the winner and see if they can handle the stress of the commissioner's office and what it does to one's personal life.

5) Setup covertly outside winner's office and throw shoes when they appear.

Senorita Of The Week:

At least Mike D. didn't let me down this week. He managed to suck badly enough to avoid giving me the added indignity of SOTW. Mike D. added another turd trophy to his collection by phoning in his 53.30 points. Pat couldn't even put you on his charts. What does that tell you?

1500 Point Club:

Madge's Chuck E. Cheese article was highly entertaining. I didn't make the club, so I have no idea about what amenities it may have. However, as it is just Pat and Tim, I can only assume it has 40 cases of malt liquor, a tire swing, and newspaper covering the floor.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

While many owners left many points on the bench, this week's award goes to Kevin for parking Tavarius Jackson and his 26.48 pts, having done many bad things to Mike D's Cards.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 16.50 points. Lots of yards (165), but no TDs.

LT - 13.40 points.

Midge - 9th place. Your signs of a pulse and Devo's bed-crapping could mean a battle for pride and a late season fight. Just 52 points and you can own Devo for 8 months. You haven't shown any fight, so my expectations are low.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

No Mike D. story this week.

State of the League:

With just 2 weeks left, we have a league of many layers:

The battle to win it - while technically a two-way scrap between Pat and Timbo, momentum is a tough thing to overcome. 31.21 points is the gap. Tim is positively frothy about it all and Pat is looking over his shoulder as he orders his double double in the basement of BCE place. He checks and double-checks the back seat of his car before he gets in. He will not sleep well for the next 2 weeks.


Bronze medal battle - this one is about dignity or what's left of it. There's me having just STB, holding off a dis-heartened Kevin (also recently having suffered a bout of STB) and a late-surging Lance (quiet but deadly. This is a tight one, separated by just 8.62 points.


The Battle to finish in the Top Half - Harris has 6th place and may have a battle on his hands as Alls is just 18 points behind. Despite his 2nd half fade, Alls may still have something to say about it. He's the only rookie this year, and yet he's taking it to veterans like Devo and Harris. I think Devo and HArris need to explain.

The Bottom Third - then there's you guys. Madge will have bragging right over Hauser, Eric/Sunny, and Mike D. And they haven't done anything to stop him from making them his bitches.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 14 Summary

Holy Offense/Holy Defense!!!:

No scoring madness this week as the cold weather seemed to slow things down for almost everybody. It would appear that one of the recent keys to success in this league is having players play in the Thursday night games. Or so I thought until last night's burner of a game. I had most of the summary composed and ready to go with just a few blanks on points, etc. But the Panthers and Bucs changed all that, so here's a version that was just crapped together this morning:

Maybe defense is the new offense? Ashby's team, despite 2 name changes, turned in a mediocre display of fantasy football this week (until MNF), but the one shining light on his team (until MNF) was defence as Indy stuffed Cincy, (3 Points allowed, 1 TD, 5 Sacks, 3 INTS, and a fumble) and put up 20 fantasy points. Ashby is fading faster (until MNF) than my memories of employment.

Average scoring checked in at an impressive 99.53 points this week, as the Thursday and Monday Night games generated some serious numbers:

Pat was the beneficiary of the Thursday night harvest this week as Phil Rivers personally shredded Devo's beloved Raiders for 26.25 points.
MNF brought huge numbers for Tim, as Steve Smith put up 17.70 and Cadillac Williams was positively Mercedes-like as he racked up 36.20.


Performer of The Week:

Hmmm....I'd rather not say. You know what they say, that if you name them, you can be come attached to them and that makes it harder to say goodbye when the time comes. But, I will give you a hint: His name rhymes with Cat With, and his team put up 117.22 points.

Or so I had written until MNF when Ashby, Hauser, and Lance all went past him. Ashby takes it this week with 122.75 points, just edging out Hauser's 122.66.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh Madge. Madge, Madge, Madge. Fighting it out with Hauser and Eric/Sunny for 10th place is no way to spend your Heineken years. 62.48 points isn't awful, but it was 14+ points behing your nearest competitor. MNF did not affect you adversely. You were comfortably in last place before the game started.

1400 Point Club:

Another week, another club. The 1400 Club has excellent facilities, a fabulous selection of scotches and some Thai women with surprisingly strong hands. Unfortunately, the temperature is a little on the chilly side as Pat, Kevin and myself stare silently at each other whilst deep in thought planning one another's demise - at least this was the way it was until Monday night.

At about 11:30PM last night, there was a knock on the door of the 1400 point club. Kevin, as low man on the pole, was sent to investigate. Out in the cold was Tim Ashby, with his earthy blongings wrapped up in a hankerchief and tied to a stick. He smelled of box car and cheap whiskey. But then he flashed his scored card and after a quick verification on the intra-web, he was allowed in. He talked as much as usual, but the others weren't very happy to see him and I'm pretty sure I saw Kevin short him on the rye in the manhattan he ordered. Kevin can be a nasty one.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Smith, P. - M. Schaub, 28.1 Points. A Matt Cassel-like performance and a possible qb controversy in the house that Smitty built.
Madge, J. - V. Jackson, 20.80 Points. Doesn't this remind you of last week, or perhaps it is just my sily imagination? Playing him would have helped in your battle to hold onto 9th place.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 8.7 points against Detroit. Yikes, maybe some of my theories require re-examining.

LT - 15.1 points, and a personal declaration of war on all that is sacred to Devo.

Midge - 10th place. Maybe.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Tough to top last week's Mike D. story, but this week he continued to be our own little NFL superfan by attending the tailgate party at the Toronto Bills home opener and lamenting his favorite NFL team's tribulations as he bar crawled throughout the afternoon with blackberry in tow. It would also appear as though Sunny and myself have worn Mike D. down and he has booked a restaurant (and therefore assumed ALL planning responsibilities) for our Christmas dinner. Well done, Mike D. It is precisely this type of behaviour that cements your place in the 1000 point club. Nicey.

State of the League:

With 3 games to play, we have a Michael Vick endorsed dog fight. 1st to 4th is separated by just 56.03 points.

Top 4 - Pat, myself, Tim, and Kevin. As discussed last week but hardly believed, Tim returned to form and took 3rd away from Kevin by 1.1 points. Ashby is no longer on the outside. In fact, he's in the club and frankly I'm not convinced that he's "club people". Kevin, in falling to 4th, must be beating his students today. I mean, it was the stated goal of almost half the league to "just beat Tim", and now Kevin is just not there.

5th Place - Lance has settled into a soft-zone 36 points from 4th (Kevin) and 47 points ahead of 6th (Devo). There's cushion on both sides, but a solid close to the season could pit you against your basketball friend Kevin.

The Battle to finish in the Top Half - 6th place is up for grabs and it is a battle between Devo and Harris. Alls has continued his late season fade right out the battle. Harris' stated goal is to finish in the top half. Et tu, Devo?

Then, there's the rest of you:

Jeff Alls - a strong rookie perfomance for the first half of the season. Where did it go wrong? Many places.

Hauser - Blaming autodraft is old. Dr. Phil says you need to take some responsibility for what has happened. Let's face it, Pat basically auto-drafted and he's learned to play the game well.

Madge - I miss the trash talk, and over-confident, ego-filled missives that you once spouted. We might have to give you a 200 point head start next year.

Eric / Sunny - karma is a bitch.

Mike D. - Maybe it is you that should get the 200 point head start. Let's take a look at some math:

Average Score per week:
Pat - 104.665
You - 71.534

That's a pretty big margin.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 13 Summary

U.S. Thanksgiving Offense:

American waist bands weren't the only things blown out on Thursday as the Titans, Cowboys, and Eagles feasted on their festive opponents.

I think it is fair to say that both Kevin and Harris are thankful for having RBs that played against the Detroit Lions. Both Johnson (25 pts) and White (22 pts) had 100+ yards and 2 TDs. Add in the Tennessee Defense and Gage for Kev, and he was already within a point of his woeful total from last week. Remember last week? When he was Senorita of the Week? Remember? Yeah, that was fun.

I'm thankful for Tony Romo and his 33 points. I also like to give thanks when he passes to Owens for a TD. Which happened on Thursday. Good times.

I don't think Devo is very thankful for leaving Witten on the bench. At least not as thankful as Pat is for a kicker like Folk who throws up double digits. But then again, maybe Pat is less thankful than Tim, who had Bironas kick for 17 points.

The night game brought more reasons to be thankful for Harris and Kevin as Westbrook (37 pts) and McNabb (34 pts) personally fisted Mike D's Cards. And in fisting the Cards, there was a little bit of fist collateral damage - Ashby's Boldin couldn't catch a cold (3 pts), Warner looked bad and took a few hits and killed his streak of 300 + yard passing games (but managed almost 20 pts), and Fitzgerald still put up good numbers for Pat (18.5 pts). Impossible to calculate, however, was the emotional damaged inflicted upon Mike D. I suggest you all call him and ask him to talk about it.

Average scoring checked in at a reserved 96.93 points this week.



Performer of The Week:

With the second highest score of the year (156.93 vs. Pat's 156.70 last week) and I think, ever, Kevin has bounced back into contention and thrown off the shackles of last week's Senorita performance. Kev's players had big weeks with McNabb, Cutler, and Johnson all contributing nicely.

Senorita Of The Week:

Poetic Seals. 55.96 Points. Not a terrible week, but bottom of the barrel none the less. There are 10 Free Agent Defenses that have more points than Seattle. Think about it.

1300 Point Club:

I came into the 1300 Club and all I saw was Pat dancing in the middle of the room to his favorite song:

You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look mami I got the X if you into taking drugs
I'm into having sex, I ain't into making love
So come give me a hug if you into to getting rubbed

But you know, that wasn't the weirdest part, as the house lights came up, Pat was dancing naked and generating a strange slapping sound - but not with his hands.

Kevin has joined us in the 1300 Point Club, and given Pat's behaviour, I think I'm glad to have someone else around.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Officially to Devo for not playing Witten and his 17.50 points. But unofficially to me for benching Manning and his 17.43 points. But the real question is why would I bench the Superbowl MVP? You can't out-think those who ain't thinking.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 19 points.

LT - 12.6 points.

Midge - 9th place and in a sort of no man's land from 8th and above 10th. Maybe your management philosophy would prove correct if the season was 43 weeks long. Maybe.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

To make up for last week's blank in this section, I have a GREAT Mike D. story:

Our own NFL superfan, Mike, went to Detroit to see the game. A total slaughter as the Titans blew out the Lions by a score of 47 to 10. I was at home watching the game (where else would I be on a Thursday afternoon? Work???), and my Blackberry went off. It was Mike D with a live report of how bad the Lions are in person. He also lamented a bit about his fantasy team, but we're all used to that story. Then, out of nowhere, he told me how he got to the game. He and his friends took the "Booty Bus". Appearantly it is decked out like a strip joint and comes with 5, umm, entertainment professionals. I agreed with Mike's description of "F!cking brilliant". I then got to thinking and asked what the girls do while the guys are in watching the game. Rest up for the trip home? Blow by the bowl full? Shopping? Mike's response, and I quote:

"Not sure, all I do know is that I had a lap dance before 11 this morning!"

State of the League:

This week's team performances saw Lance stumble (63 Points), Ashby cough (94 Pts.), a resurgent Kevin, a dead cat bounce (Harris), mediocrity (Mackesy, Alls) and a solid continuation (Pat, myself). We're at the 3/4 point in the season and with 4 games to play, and 137 points separate first from 8th. Right now it looks like there is three battles worth discussing:

Top 3 - Pat, myself, Kevin. If Tim returns to his recent form he might have a shot, but right now he's on the outside looking in. This will get personal and may involve kidnapping. I have taken extra security measures and put child-proof caps on all my medication bottles.

In the shadow of the podium - Tim, Lance, and since it is Christmas, Devo. This could get ugly. Especially when the turn on each other which should be any week now.

The Battle to finish in the Top Half - Devo (let's face it), Harris, and Alls. Perhaps Devo would like to explain why he is hanging around such unsavory characters?

And to the rest of you - You know what you've done. Go and consider the shame you have brought upon your families. It isn't all that difficult, and stop blaming auto-draft. It isn't why you suck.

4 Weeks left. December weather, playoff battles, tough schedules, and the spectre of having players benched to rest them for the playoffs.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 12 Summary

Holy Offense, For Some:

That Thursday night game was a yawner for everybody but Poetic Seals as Roethlisberger threw up 21.08 Points. Average scoring checked in at a big 105.38 points this week. It was a big individual performance week as we saw Cassel throw for 40 pts, Romo put up almost 30, Owens had 32, Pennington with 36, Randy Moss with 30, Turner with 35, and Brees with 38. This was the highest scoring week in NFL history and the highest average scoring week since 1987. The Monday Night game was insane. But, my friends, there was also a darker side of the week, a dark brown side of the week with Kevin crapping the bed and plummeting in the standings.

Performer of The Week:

Mmmmm...right there....oh yeah....that feels good. ME, with 179.03 Points. ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-NINE POINT ZERO THREE POINTS!!!! Clearly an intergalactic record, AND I didn't even have Reggie Bush back. Oh man are you guys screwed. Devo, you can suck it for calling me out last week and for charting my performance like an MBA geek.

Honourable mention to Pat and his MNF-fuelled 156.70 points. Second place on the week, but just enough to push him into the lead. We got ourselves a good, old-fashioned death-match.

I laugh at Tim and Lance's 130+ pt weeks. Puh-lease. Way to bring a knife to a gunfight. And Harris, 117.20? Jerry's Kids could get 117.20. Without an annual fundraiser.

I feel joy. And I feel great pleasure. And a sense of vindication. And as though things have returned to their natural order. Now I just have to get a voodoo doll that looks like Pat.

Senorita Of The Week:

Kevin Andrachuk. 43.08 points. Oh man. A meltdown of epic proportions. A fall like we've never seen before. Less than half the points of Eric/Sunny's team. I don't think Pat's team liked it at all when you lumped them in with you in the bed crapping department.

McNabb had -6.02 pts and was benched at half time. 7 turnovers in his last 2 games. I'm sure he'll be fine now that Andy Reid has told him he'll start next week. Anyone for Chunky soup?

Cutler managed 4.1 pts against the Raiders. Devo just shreiked with excitement at the mention of an Oakland win.

Buress - Had a boo boo early in the game and spent the rest of it on the sidelines. 0 points.

You only managed to play one player who achieved double digits in points. Portis with 15.90. It was single digit fever around your place this week. Yikes. How bad does it feel to be 2 places BEHIND Tim??? Double yikes.

1200 Point Club:

Ahhh....that feels better, much better. In a return to the greatness that is me, I share the honour of founding the 1200 point club with Patty. I did the renos, cleaned the place up, ordered the booze, cooked up the canapes and invited the girls. But Pat seems to have snuck in an open service door and Monday Night will forever have a special place in his heart. Welcome to the founders table. You get your name on a plaque and a seat on the board.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Jamie Harris, clean the Cancun sand out of your vagina, wipe the tears from your face and then slap yourself for 6 minutes for not starting Trent Edwards and his 35.03 points. Buffalo was playing KC - did you forget how to read? The first rule of Fantasy Football: Start anyone playing against KC.

Got 'em, Need 'em, Got 'em, - This Week's Trade Action:

A fairly drama and insult-free week as the only action was Pat giving back Barber under his injury-free guarantee on Graham. And that will be the end of this section for the season as the trade deadline has officially passed.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 14 points.

LT - 11.4 points.

Midge - 10th place, hopes fading with time running out. Just 26 points ahead of Hauser.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

I got nothing.

State of the League:

Shake up is the story of the week. Pat in the lead in a tight battle with me. Tim and Lance in 3rd and 4th (weird), separated by half a point and each other's sweat (weirder). Then Kevin surrendering 1st like a Frenchman to settle in 5th (more ouch), just 11 points ahead of a blood thirsty Devo. Jeff has fallen away by more than 108 points and that could be his last gasp. Then there's the rest of you under 1100 points and simply lacking the bullets, stones, or will to make a move.


U.S. Thanksgiving Games:

Don't forget - 3 games this Thursday. I remember missing these games when I was employed. Now, I might even cook a bird to honour the American pilgram and the striking similarity between their actions toward the native inhabitants and what my team is doing to the rest of this league (except for Pat - clearly this section was written prior to MNF).

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 11 Summary

Holy Offense:

That Thursday night shootout was crazy and benefitted anybody with a Brown or Bronco on their team. Oh wait, this week it was the Jets and the Pats. Huge points for Casell (42.10 !!!) and a good night for Favre and Jones. Average score this week was back down to about normal levels, checking in at 90.55 points, with 4 teams (Tim, Devo, Lance, and Pat) putting up more than 100 points.

1100 Point Club:

There goes Kevin, looking all Fusco-like again and founding his 3rd club in 3 weeks. But 89.77 points won't bring home the bacon or the trophy. Is this the fall or the stall before the fall???

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

To Jeff Alls - Mo-Jo Drew on the bench, 21.3 points and very different to Green-Ellis' Thursday night bed-crapping. Again, Kevin's speedy pick-ups of Sunday's hot performers makes it look like he left a bunch of points on the bench, but he didn't.

Got 'em, Need 'em, Got 'em, - This Week's Trade Action:

It must be that time of year again, as it would be next to impossible to avoid a season without trade controversy. The big surprise? Kevin wasn't involved. The times, they are a changin'. Let's see how it worked out for Pat, Eric & Sunny:

G. Jennings - 64 Rec yards and a TD, 12.40 pts.
M. Barber - The Cowboys rode him to victory, 20.3 pts.
M. Schaub - 0 points. Out 3-4 weeks with a knee.

B. Edwards - 10.4 pts, looks like he cured his case of stone hands.
E. Graham - 0.3 points on 3 yards rushing. Helped off the field after his first carry. Ankle injury. Perhaps "injury prone" was an apt description.
M. Hasselbeck - 4.65 with 3 INTs and 2 sacks.

Hmmm...17 pt advantage to Pat. Quick, let's get a war crimes tribunal together.

As always, I welcome suggestions as to how to better the league, but despite all the complaining/bitching/outrage/whining/protesting, NOT ONE (except Madge - see below) person suggested an alternative to cancel/allow the trade. To those of you that offered trades to Eric/Sunny, I ask, "What would your position be if your trade offer had been accepted?". Secondly, I have offered to set up the league so that all trades must be approved by a majority of owners and that has been rejected every time it has come up. Finally, I have only ever claimed "perfection" when it comes to my abilities as a parent, not as commissioner. And in light of that, I welcome any and all applications for position of League Commissioner. The abuse is plentiful and becomes less enjoyable with each passing day.

Also on the trading table, Jay and Tim put together the following mutual masturbation:

J. Campbell - 9.45 pts
S. Moss - 2.9 pts
L. Johnson - 6.7 pts, 2 fumbles.

for

K. Collins - 21.85 pts
A. Bryant - 6.8 pts
B. Jacobs - 19.30 pts, 2 rushing TDs

Hmmm...a 28.9 point advantage to Hauser, pretty lop=sided, but where's the whining and complaining about that one????


Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 8.5 points.

LT - 15.70 points.

Midge - 10th place, hopes fading with time running out. Our next commissioner??? Madge was good enough to send in a reasonable, coherent, and surprisingly lucid analysis of the trade and the controversy. In it he advised stomping on a trade next year to curtail the bitching and hopeful improve the deals that get done. The most salient section of his rather verbose email follows:

Lastly - I think that you need to stomp on one of these next year when it inevitably happens again...(I just hope I'm not the one that gets stomped ;))...at the end of the day the pool is a great time and a great way to keep in touch (cue the music).... and it's your gig so whatever you say goes...and frankly I will be thoroughly looking forward to the email trash around a stomped trade....I am expecting big things.

I do think that this can be a pretty interesting rite of passage. It is almost like a blind auction. now that (after 5 years of it) people realize that these trades happen it should in a strange way make the offers better as no one will want to get out bid with shit... apparently it really wouldntve taken much to get that haul from Sunny and Eric......next time I guarantee that 'not the crappiest' trade will be a little better.

Idea - If a really shit trade that needs to be vetoed happens in the future as part of the stomping process you could reverse the trade and open up a 2 day silent bidding war for people to make offers to the owner for the players in the trade - i.e people could counter it....that way everyone has a chance to beat the shit offer .... and when someone finally wins there is nothing to complain about...i.e if no one is willing to offer something more appealing to the owner than the original offer then it stands.

10th place and fading Madge has given us something to consider at the summer league meetings. His wisdom reminds me of when I was a young, idealistic commissioner. Don't go changing, Madge. Don't you ever change.

Performer of The Week:

Tim Ashby, 130.05 points. You would hope so with Cassel's crazy week.
Tim Ass-hat-by also wins the "most insults sent via email" award for his multiple rants and vitriolic communiques.

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D, 57.31. Your open house wasn't the only thing that stunk this week. Too bad Quinn couldn't get it going, because you could have tossed Harris' salad with a TD or a few more yards in the air.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Thank you for making my Sunday. I cherish the thought of you standing around an empty house in your power negotiating suit, with a cheese plate going south and the temptation of sitting on the client's couch with your feet up and watching football battling your sense of duty to client. I hope the smell of freshly baked cookies was soothing and welcoming to the nosy neighbors that just had to see what your client had done with the place.

State of the League:

Despite all the controversy of late, we got ourselves one hell of a horse race as the first seven spots are separated by just 80 points. Thanks to my own bed crapping this week, I've dropped to 6th, just behind Asshat, who has been ON FIRE for the last 4 or 5 weeks. Anybody's game. By anybody, I mean anybody BUT Harris, Hauser, Madge, Eric/Sunny, or Mike D.

Commissionarily Yours (BUT FOR HOW MUCH LONGER???),

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 10 Summary

Holy Offense:

That Thursday night shootout was crazy and benefitted anybody with a Brown or Bronco on their team. Except maybe for Pat who got the short end of the stick with just 1.5 points on the night. Average score this week was up a bunch, checking in at 103.19 points, with 7 teams putting up more than 100 points.

1000 Point Club:

In a near-Fusco-like performance, Kevin has founded 2 clubs in 2 weeks. His gap to the competition is narrowing though. I will hunt you down in the street like the dog that you are.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Ashby - K. Collins on the bench, 20.13 points. Makes you think starting a guy named Sage wasn't so wise.

Got 'em, Need 'em, Got 'em, - This Week's Trade Action:

DO NOT FORGET - THE TRADE DEADLINE IS THIS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14th.

And controversy errupts like a once dormant volcano as Ashby has been accused by Harris of welching on an email-negotiated deal and then doing a deal with Kevin. Hmmm....all I know is that giving Kevin more offense is like giving Sunny/Eric another hand grenade to play with - very dangerous. Plus, Harris is so upset with Tim "Welchy" Ashby, that I doubt he'll be getting a Christmas card this year. Rosenfels and Bryant for Berrian. Hmmm...Kevin's pine riders for a top 10 WR. And once again, trading controversy involving Kevin Andrachuk. Let's take a look at how it worked out:

Berrian - 0.00 points. 0 catches for 0 yards.
Rosenfels - 7.15 points, 4 INTs. 7 turnovers in his last 2 games.
Bryant - 0 points, BYE week.


DO NOT FORGET - THE TRADE DEADLINE IS THIS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14th.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 32.50 points. Uh-oh, it might be happening again.....

LT - 11.70 points. Meh.

Midge - 9th place, but still having his calls forwarded to the Bath House.

Performer of The Week:

Getting another year older has given Lance football wisdom. 128.55 points on the week and a move into 4th place.

Senorita Of The Week:

Baby Seal Bashers, 50 points. That's 2 weeks in a row, gentlemen. I'll suggest you start reading the tips this column had for Mike D. as your starting to repeat his mistakes. To recap: Don't try to start an injured RB, don't start a QB that lost their place in the starting line-up for poor play.
By the way, Mike D. had almost twice as many points as you guys put up. I fear you have figured out how to pull the pin on the grenade, and soon all that will be left to do is hose out the cages.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

I was fortunate to meet with Mike D. in person this week at a local watering hole to discuss his team, his life, and his outlook. I forgot to mention to him that last year's winnings are held in escrow until this season concludes and they are forfeited in the event that he finishes in last place. As a realtor, one should know to read the fine print. Our meeting did, however, provide the following interesting Mike D. factoids:

1) He couldn't do our draft as he was attending a draft for his other fantasy football league

2) He is excited about this year's Christmas dinner
3) He was wearing a hoodie and a Wheezer trucker hat - I think he may have been going to a UFC event later that night. He looked youthful.
4) He showed great insight in starting Brady Quinn as it paid off with 20.58 points.
5) Ever the gambler, he picked up and started Culpepper (-1 pt, but better than Bulger's -4.78 pts)

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 9 Summary

Offensively Mediocre:

Average score this week checked in at 82.54 points, down considerably as just 3 teams put up more than 100 points, and the rest sucked it.

900 Point Club:

Well, it had to happen eventually, and Kevin JUST made it in - 902.74. Take it from me Kevin, it is lonely at the top. Maybe get a cat or a ferret. As you'll find the rest of the league is out for blood, and they just keep coming. Meanwhile, there's a big party going on in the 800 point club with Latvian strippers and some new big screens. I heard the 700 point club has turned into a bath house with a strict no towel policy and its members are VERY happy about it.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Well, SH!TBALLS, Kevin Andrachuk not only displaced me from my comfy and lofty first place role, but he left somewhere between 67 and nearly 100 points on his bench (He add/dropped a bunch of players which confuses the issue a bit). For example:

Driver - 19.60
Fitzpatrick - 19.35

That is scary depth. All he has to do is NOT get hit by a blue Audi on the dark streets near his home and he has won this thing. It is over. I'm not writing summaries anymore. No more clever comments with statistical backup. I'm not even going to watch football anymore.

Got 'em, Need 'em, Got 'em, - This Week's Trade Action:

Hauser and Jeff "Trade Machine" Alls got together, talked it out, and swapped:

Roddy White, Joe Flacco, and Sammy Morris for Dan Orlovsky, Ronnie Brown, and Mushin Muhammad. Somehow, the word Blockbuster doesn't feel as though it applies. I'm concerned about Jeff, I think he has a trading problem. I have a call into A&E to see if they'll do an intervention, but I'm not hopeful. I fear the meth epidemic that is sweeping the U.S. has kept them too busy for our problems. My plan B involves a Mexican de-programmer. Please send funds to help support the cause.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 19.90 points, starting to make an impact

LT - 0 points, BYE week.

Midge - 10th place and having his calls forwarded to the Bath House.

Performer of The Week:

Three weeks in a row might have been too much for my baboon heart to take. Luckily, Tim (110.10 Points) was ousted from top spot by Kevin and his 111.61 Points. I guess this is really Kevin's week - 900 pt Club, Performer of the Week, New Leader, And Madge Memorial Award Winner. Good for you Kevin, good for you. Tim, on the other hand has launched from bottom-dweller to mid-pack maven in a few short weeks. This makes the goal of beating Tim (the goal of multiple managers) a little more challenging.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh wait, here's a section that doesn't involve Kevin: Baby Seal Bashers, 55.86 points. Interesting that you would leave Rothlisberger and Parker on the bench. Interesting, but not wise. Yet more proof that two brains will never defeat utter laziness.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Signs of life?
Built for the second half of the season?
He lay in wait until the time was right to strike?
Dead cat bounce?

(Only one of the above questions should actually be a statement. Hint - it has an animal in it.)

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land