Week 15 / 1st Playoff Round Summary

Week 1 of the playoffs is in the books and it tells a story rich with drama, pathos, and redemption.

Average score rose to 98.2 pts from last week's 94.6 pts as 5 teams posted scores over 115 pts. The average margin of victory narrowed to 20.5 pts as the healthy blow-outs were tempered by 2 close matches.

Match-up #1 - Madge vs. Gregor:

This one is clear proof that Gregor was on Santa's naughty list. In the MNF game, as Gregor's team was making on run, the Giants rested Eli Manning for the 4th quarter. Eli's 32.9 points got him close, but not close enough. Like, just 3.4 pts away. Gregor, what did you do to piss off Santa?

Match-up #2 - Devo vs. Hauser:

50.6 pts from Aaron Rodgers is a BIG advantage. Too big of a hill to climb. The Hauser dream has died on the operating table. Devo and Madge face off for the title this week. In other words, we all lose.

Match-up #3 - Lance vs. Jeff:

Lance's winning streak came to an abrupt end here as Jeff's team put up a strong number. I think we're all glad that he didn't start Jerome Harrison and his 52 pts.

Match-up #4 - Kevin vs. The 3-Headed Monster:

Kevin continues his multi-year strategy by crapping the bed this entire season in order to stock up on waiver wire acquisitions. Unusual? Yes. Effective? Um, we'll see.
Heard at the SAE gathering on Saturday Night: One of the 3 heads wants their own team. Can disaster be far away???

Match-up #5 - Mike D. vs. Harris:

Botttom dweller-on-bottom dweller crime. Mike D., clearly powered by some inner Italian pride thanks to the greatest ever TV show, MTV's Jersey Shore. Mike's near-100 pt week (with 51.9 for Big Ben) was clearly the situation. Jamie was the grenade this week. I suggest you all watch the show, as it is clearly a sign of the coming apocalypse.

Match-up #6 - Fusco vs. Ashby:

Where's your marathon now, Timbo? Finishing ahead of Tim in the regular season was special, but a playoff win is especially sweet. And a come from behind on Bradshaw's 2 TD performance on MNF is even better. I was clearly on Santa's Nice list.

Performer of The Week:

Devo, 146.6 pts. Honourable Mention this week to Madge (122.5 pts).

These 2 face off next week for all the marbles. I know, I know. Nobody wanted to see this.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jamie Harris, 53.1 pts. At least you out-scored Jeff's RB.

State of the League:

The playoff battles continue this week with Madge and Devo squaring off for top spot and Hauser and Gregor fighting it out for 3rd.

In that, um, other bracket we have:

Fusco vs Alls (this is all gravy as Tim has been vanquished)
Lance vs The 3-Headed Monster
Ashby (tee-hee) vs. The Situation
And last and completely least, Kevin vs Harris for bottom of the barrel honours.


Merry Christmas to you all and may 2010 bring you all good health and happiness.




Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 14 Summary - Thy Playoff Lot Is Cast

Week 14. And there it is. I look forward to the opening of the floodgate for excuses and "explanations" by those that missed the playoffs. But for the rest of us, there is the wonderful consolation bracket. Don't give up because the competition continues for all.

Average score dropped slightly to 94.6 pts this week, from last week's 98.3 pts. The average margin of grew to a healthy 31.8 pts from last week's 17 pts as scoring resumed and the matches simply weren't all that close.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by taking down the 3-headed monster and not even calling them the next day.

The top 3 all won and further solidified their grasps on playoff spots while the 4th spot was fought for by Alls, Gregor, and Lance. Gregor got there by winning. Sadly, Lance's Hanukkah wish for the playoffs was scuttled by the blue-eyed devil.

And finally, as I so rarely use this space to share personal stories, I thought I'd take this chance to share my pride in finishing ahead of Ashby this season. I understand that this was a goal shared by many in the league, but only achieved by 7 teams. To those that finished behind him in the standings, fear not as one of you will have a shot at him in the consolation round and the rest can revive this nobel goal next season.

Performer of The Week:

Gregor Davidson, 130.7 pts. I'll say it: I hate the new guy.

Honourable Mentions this week to Devo (126.6 pts and putting Kevin in his place) and Madge (122 pts and not the fade I predicted/hoped for).

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D. 49.8 pts. Thanks for helping me get to .500 and finishing ahead of Ashby. I'm gonna send you something nice for Christmas - did you want the Italian flag or a leg of prosciutto?


10-4 Club:

Madge + Devo + Hauser = The weirdest 3-way ever.



State of the League:

Well, it came down to the wire and the top half of the league was separated by just 2 games. I think it is safe to say that the Head to Head format is a success. It kept people interested as the personal aspect of it really upped the trash talk too.

Here come the playoffs and consolation bracket. The fun continues.

Congratulations to the top 4. Happy Playoffs.


Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 13 Summary - Upsets Are Upsetting. But Also Wonderful.

As our intrepid junior cub reporter / team owner Madge (BTW - if you ever try to freelance in the league communique department again, you will meet a most unfortunate fate) pointed out in his league-wide email yesterday, last night's MNF game had potential impact on all but one of this week's matches. Unfortunately, the game fell far short of the hype as the Ravens could barely move the ball and the 2 teams combined for over 300 yards in penalties, thus sapping many potential yardage points. Week 13 can best be summarized as follows:

If you had a record that was better than your opponent's going into this week, you lost.


Average score rose to 98.3 pts this week, from last week's 94.1 pts. The average margin of victory narrowed to 17 pts from last week's 20 pts as the high scores were absent from the charts.

I really don't know where to start with the upsets, so let's heap praise on me:

Devo's team was as harmless as a de-clawed and mildly sedated kitten while my team played brilliantly and deserve all the credit that is coming their way.

After violating my team's rotting corpse (which beat Devo this week), Kevin moved on to lure Detox into a van near the playground and do bad things to him. Beware his tricks, for they are tricky.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by taking down Jeff Alls despite clearly not paying any attention at all to the kicking situation in New Orleans. That, my friends, is confidence.

Madge fell to Hauser, despite Hauser's recent personal, um, changes. They can take your bullets, but you can still find a way to kill.

The 3-Headed monster showed signs of life as it dispatched Gregor. Sadly it is too little too late.

And finally, in what can only be described as the final sign of the looming apocalypse, Harris soundly thrashed Tim Ashby by 30+ pts. Thy season is tarnished, Timbo.



Performer of The Week:

As much as it shocks me to type this, here is your moment of glory:

Jamie Harris, 130.9 pts. Possibly his highest score ever and a true spoiler if ever there was one.

I think it is safe to safe that this is one of the few occasions that he would be glad to admit he had VD....and his 17 points.

No Honourable Mentions this week as nobody else cleared 110.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jeff Alls, 74.4 pts. As I said to Gregor in this spot last week: Not a good time of year to be fading. Fading all the way out of the playoffs????


The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:

Madge vs. Hauser. 6.4 pts. Close, by no Ray Rice.


9-4 Club:

Hauser took control of his destiny this week and by giving Madge a fantasy reach-around, he got into the club and there he sits with Devo and Madge. Possibly the scariest 3-way ever. But 3 guys are banging on the door and trying to get in.

State of the League:

6 teams playing for 4 spots. And the dregs of the league still have some fight in them so week 14 will be very interesting:

Fusco vs Detox - nothing on the line here except finishing .500 for Fusco and the threat of finishing in last place for Toronto's best looking Bus Stop Advertiser.

Madge vs. Ashby - Madge needs to win to guarantee a spot in the playoffs, Ashby needs to crawl out of the gutter after falling on Harris' shiv.

Lance vs. 3-Headed Monster - Can Lance win his way into the show?

Kevin vs. Devo - Will Kevin crush Devo's dreams? I'll have to consult the Magic 8 Ball.

Harris vs. Hauser - What can be said?

Gregor vs. Alls - Head-to-Head, winner gets into the play-offs.





Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 12 Summary - Brees, Trade Deadline Looms, Violating A Corpse, Giant Slaying, Concussed QBs, Play-off Picture Less Cloudy

After last night's MNF game in N'awlins, at least 2 team owners must be kicking themselves for trading Drew Brees and his 50 point arm. At least one owner must be second-guessing the dollars spent on Tom Brady and all the offers he's rejected. And at least one commissioner is thinking about trading a certain 40-year old QB that has a problem deciding on retirement.

Before I get too far into this week's summary, please take note of the following:

League trade deadline is TOMORROW, WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 2nd, 2009 at Noon. Trades must be proposed AND accepted by that time.

Average score hardly budged yet again this week, coming in at 94.1 pts to last week's 94.7 pts. The average margin of victory grew a bit to 20 pts from last week's 18.5 pts as games were out of heartbreak-by-adjustment range.

I think it is only proper to congratulate Kevin on stopping his epic losing streak, even if it meant he had to violate the corpse of my team. Fortunately, as this league is headquartered in international waters, he will face no charges. I've never more felt like Bud Selig.

Lance Richter continued his giant slaying ways as he toppled yet another contender this week by handing Gregor his 4th loss of the season.

Concussed QBs hurt both Hauser and the 3-Headed Monster as Roethlisberger and Warner both sat. In reality, neither would have really changed the outcome as both of you sealed your respective fates when you gave away Brees. I haven't seen a trade this one-sided that didn't involve small pox riddled blankets. This will make Tim completely unbearable. I blame you both.

Performer of The Week:

Devo, 123.8 pts. Dead-cat bounce. Actually, a very strong week from Rodgers and continue production out of Johnson.

Honourable Mention to Tim Ashby, 121.8 points. Have I mentioned that Bress put up 50.8 pts? In one week? And that Hauser and Eric/Pat/Sunny have traded him away this year?

Senorita Of The Week:

Gregor - 65.4 pts. Not a good time of year to be fading. Fading all the way out of the playoffs????


The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:

Nothing closer than 10 points this week. Carry on.


9-3 Club:

Madge and Devo have left the sweaty club behind and checked into a cheap motel room on the wrong side of town. I can't print what was observed.


The Jay Hauser, Eric Wright, Sunny Kim & Pat Smith "What Was I Thinking When I Traded That Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Drew Brees. 50.8 pts.

News: Brees completed 18 of 23 passes for 371 yards and five touchdowns in New Orleans' 38-17 victory over New England on Monday night.
Spin: Brees was otherworldly in this contest, racking up an astonishing 16.1 yards per attempt on his way to a perfect 158.3 passer rating. Saints receivers were running wide open all night long, but there is no denying that Brees was making perfect throws and just absolutely diced up the Patriots' defense. This performance was one for the books.

State of the League:

2 weeks left and the play-off picture is a little less cloudy as 7 of 12 teams are still mathematically in it and the head-to-head format could bring big changes. Lance and Ashby are surging at the right time and have been picking off those ahead of them in the standings. Lance finishes the regular season by taking on Jeff and the 3-Headed Monster while Ashby takes on Harris and Madge. Gregor's fade could spell his demise. Stay tuned.

This week's results added the Commissioner and the 3-Headed Monster to the deadpool and reduced their best-case scenario for both to finishing the season at .500.

Please send your offers for Favre soon.



Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 11 Summary - Upsets, Somethings Never Change, Detox Fail, Close But No Cigar, Play-off Picture Getting Cloudy

Games this week fell into 1 of 2 categories: Half the games were a blow out and half were a squeaker. This week also saw upsets, the continuation of an ugly trend, inept ownership with flimsy excuses, coming up short (3 times), anda general clouding of the play-off picture.

Outcomes hung in the balance last night as Lance, Jeff, and Tim played the sitting duck roles as their opponents (Devo, Harris, and Kevin) all hoped to generate enough points on MNF to overcome deficits and claim victory. This week's summary has a special section devoted to the struggle.

Average score hardly budged again this week, coming in at 94.7 pts to last week's 94.4 pts. The average margin of victory narrowed to 18.5 pts from last week's 28.4 pts as three games were decided by less than 5 points. Upsets galore as your beloved Commissioner toppled the 3-headed monster by over 30 points, Gregor handed Madge a solid beating and his 2nd loss in a row, and Hauser romped all over Mike D. (more on this later), Lance took out Devo, and Kevin (despite his abundance of check marks and projected points) fell to Timbo.

Performer of The Week:

Tim Ashby, 127.9 points. Strong play as of late with a number of trades to re-make his team into a contender. New territory for Tim.

Honourable Mention to Kevin Andrachuk, 123.5 pts and a spot on the suicide watch list as this was his 10th loss in a row.

Details of the match-up, courtesy of an un-named source:
A Poignant Prison Drama. Kev needed 48 points to win after sunday and
get parole, and I was out of players. Between schaub and johnson last
night he almost caught me. But instead, he is 1 and 10, and his mouth
is being relentlessly sold for cigarettes and glasses of prune
brandy-ahol.

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D., 65.4 points. And it didn't have to play out this way. All you had to do was start somebody, ANYBODY, in your flex position. Hmmm....the busy excuse simply doesn't cut it. Sure, the prospect of impending fatherhood, a red hot Toronto real estate market, and a high-powered substance abuse problem all take time. But the fact that you don't care enough to even fill out your roster...that's what hurts the most. In case you were wondering, Mike D. left 75.7 points on his bench. The line-up he started put up 65.4 points. (I shake my head in judgement and disapproval).

The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:

Lance vs. Devo - decided by 3.2 pts. This was some 905-birther on 905-birther crime as two of the Hamilton Region's powerful families faced off in a battle for the hearts and minds of Tim Horton's patrons on every corner. Lance's victory also kept Devo from first place by himself. And Devo's loss revealed a number of chinks in his armor that this commissioner has been talking about all season.

Alls vs. Harris - decided by 3.5 pts. Harris really thought he had a chance of reaching his goal of finishing mid-pack. So naive. So wrong.
Last night's text from Harris:
Jamie Harris 11:44PM: Grrrrrr
Ja​mie Harris 11:45PM: I needed less than 4 damn points
Ja​mie Harris 11:47PM: Let me help you out...Jamal Lewis got 10 points on my bench....as it was, Ladell Betts got injured early in the game and gave me 0 points at RB

Ashby vs. Kevin - decided by 4.4 pts. Kevin's theory is that whoever he plays has their best week against him and the data certainly points to it as Kevin has had over 100 more points scored against him than anybody else in the league. 3 teams look forward to playing your team soon, Kevin.


8-3 Club:

The windows on the club are all steamed up due to the man-mass that has been packed into the small room of the elite. 4 bodies (Madge, Devo, Gregor, and Hauser) occupy the cozy club chairs that were once pristine, but now heavily soiled. In line behind the velvet rope, in the cold, looking in stands Jeff Alls. Lance Richter is lurking in the parking lot, not sure if he wants to stand in line or just sell a few dime bags and call it a night. Ashby and Fusco are walking the 3-headed monster and might not being going to the party...but who knows.


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

It may not have changed the result, but when Mike D. leaves Terrell Owens and his 28 points on the bench, something has to be said. Especially when he doesn't bother to set his line-up. And because he is a Cards fan.

There are about 50 other combinations of players that could have changed the outcomes of the three really close games, but that's a significant amount of typing. They know the many, many way they could have won...



State of the League:

3 weeks left and the play-off picture is cloudy as 9 of 12 teams are still mathematically in it and the head-to-head format leaves it wide open. And for those that don't make it to the top 4, there is the consolation play-off bracket. Sweet, sweet consolation bracket...


Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 10 Summary - Adventures In Burlington, Upsets, & Blow-outs

Another weekend, another birthday. Assuming Madge stayed in his native 905, at least half the league was in the suburbs Saturday night, as 4 brave souls ventured West seeking adventure, friendship, and mini-burgers. The suburbs are a strange place. The car ride allowed us to learn far more about one of our fellow owners than anyone would have imagined. Lance's birthday party saw an interesting mix of characters and common wisdom suggests that the 905ers were just as afraid of the 416ers as we were of them. Conversation included Kevin's bold prediction that despite having all the check marks in his favour, he would lose to Harris. The party also proved a great opportunity to unveil Lance's ultimate man cave. Thumbs-up.

Average score hardly budged as it came in at 94.4 this week compared to last week's 94.6 pts. The average margin of victory hardly changed either as this week's 28.4 pts was down just a bit from last week's 29.7 pts. The closest game being the Hauser/Gregor match decided by 12.3 pts thanks to a strong Baltimore D/ST performance on MNF. The least closest game would have been the 60+ point blow-out perpetrated on your beloved commissioner by Jeff Alls. I don't want to talk about it.

Performer of The Week:

Lance Richter put up a solid 124.7 to take the award this week. More importantly, Lance was the first to jump on Madge's fading performances of late and the first one to hand him a loss since week 1. I have enjoyed this episode of Burlingtoner-on-Burlingtoner crime.

Senorita Of The Week:

Fusco, 61 pts. In what can only be some sort of Karmic payback for my comments to Jeff in this section last week, I put on the dress and took it. Another concussion for Westbrook (Trading with Ashby was like buying a coffin and some nails), a bruised lung for Jones, and a whole bunch of crap from the rest of my team make your commissioner a very sad man.

8-2 Club:

Ruh-roh. Devo and Madge sitting in a tree....

But in the line-up outside, behind the velvet rope stand Hauser and Gregor. I wonder if the bouncer will let them in.


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

No award again this week as no bench player could have swayed any of the outcomes.

State of the League:

I woke this morning thinking the Hauser victory was a heartbreak for a number of teams vying for that final playoff spot, but since his victory was over Gregor, I now think it may have actually opened things up a bit. With 4 weeks to play, 9 teams remain (mathematically) in the hunt. And the head-to-head match-ups between contenders could drastically alter the current state of affairs. I reluctantly include my team in the hunt, but fear not as my collection of cadavers and fading pulses will do little to upset the apple cart.

The death bell has tolled for Mike D., Jamie Harris, and Kevin Andrachuk, as all hope for making the playoffs is gone. Spoiler is the best any of you can hope for.


Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 9 Summary - Average Is The Word

It wasn't just Week 9 this weekend, but the glorious celebration of Jamie Harris 36th birthday. And what did we see??? Well, the week played out pretty much as projected as all the favorites prevailed, Madge continued in his place at the top (despite Kevin's best attempts at heel knipping), Harris' epic losing streak continued, and a bunch of trades changed the faces of many teams and perhaps even their futures. But the things I saw at Harris' birthday celebration? Well, they were just wrong: It all went down at Cheval - a place most of this league's owner would best remember as 606 King West. I remember having fun there 10 years ago and openly mocking men our age now for hitting on women our age then. Let's just say that some people don't remember that. Things are different there now - bottle service with flares - literally pyrotechnics are attached to each bottle of booze for some reason; classy booth service; everybody is at the club but everybody seems to be texting someone else on their blackberrys; and more meat-heads than ever. Also, the next time anyone runs into Fats at say, a business meeting, ask him to roll up his sleeve and show you his tasteful, tribal full-arm tattoo. Should spice up the boardroom a bit.

Average score rose slightly to 94.6 pts from last week's 90.35 pts, as nobody put in a monster performance and nobody really crapped the bed. This week even felt average.

The average margin of victory grew to 29.7 pts from last week's 22.3 pts as just the Madge/Kevin match was anywhere near close. This marks the 3rd week in a row when Madge's opponent couldn't take advantage of his lower scores. And it re-affirms my fear that his season is charmed, but if the weakness continues he may just get clipped yet.

Performer of The Week:

Madge's 121.4 pts takes the top spot this week. Honourable mentions to Hauser (118.4) and Devo (116.7).

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh my. This one was extremely close and may changed between now and Saturday if history has taught us anything. Jeff Alls, 61.6 pts. It should have been me, but a late H. Ward TD in the Monday night game put me just ahead at 62.1 pt. Congratulation Jeff, you deserve it.


8-1 Club:

Ugh. Madge. Again.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

No award this week as no bench player could have swayed the outcome. Perhaps people are starting to really get it. Naw, just lucky is more like it.

State of the League:

No State of the League this week - just read last week's and add wins to Madge and Devo and losses to Kevin and Harris.



Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 8 Summary - Far Less Drama

Week 8 and its aftermath will be far less dramatic than Week 7 as separation exists in the scoring and I doubt we'll see any adjustments affecting the results. Drama came to the league this week in the form trades as Hauser and Smith/Kim/Wright pulled a biggie and Ashby and Harris decided to make out a little.

Average score dropped to 90.35 pts this week from last week's 99.99. Just one team put up over 110 pts, a match with both scores in the 70's, and a sub-50 for the books all explain the drop in scoring.

The average margin of victory grew to 22.3 pts from last week's too close for comfort and restless nights 13.5 pts. Mike D. went from being on the receiving end of the beat down to giving it out as he stomped on Harris by a margin of 41.1 pts. This marks the 2nd week in a row when Madge's opponent couldn't take advantage of his lower scores. This concerns me as it may mean his season is charmed, or perhaps it is an indication that Madge's streak is about to end as his scoring continues to fall off...


Performer of The Week:

Much like the simply misunderstood Michael Myers who just wanted to go home, Devo has returned from the mental institute and with 135.6 points, he took top spot this week. 38.6 points from Rodgers and 40 from Chris Johnson are a nice foundation for the week.

No honourable mentions this week as nobody else cleared the 110 point mark.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh Harris. 47.5 points. A new low, even for you. I'm amused by the irony that someone who claims to be an HR professional makes such horrible personnel decisions. Trading with Tim is also a poor choice.


7-1 Club:

Ugh. Madge. Again. I'm disturbed by this. I'm more disturbed by the reports I'm receiving from the staff of the club. We've never had to hire a fecal removal service before.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Lance - Mark Sanchez, 32 pts. I would personally like to thank you for starting Alex Smith. Your mufin basket is on the way.

Kevin - Matt Hasselbeck, 26.2 pts. (Not enough to matter, but enough to hurt and make you question your thinking.


State of the League:

A couple of big winning streaks - Madge (7-1) on a 7 game bender, and Gregor (6-2) with a chippy 5 game streak. Devo (6-2) is hanging in there, but I'm still not buying it. Hauser and Alls are sitting at 5-2 with Fusco and Lance at 4-4.

A monster of a losing streak for Harris (7 games of heartbreak) puts him in the basement with Kevin who has a 2 game losing streak going. Kevin is volatile and I would urge caution when speaking to or possibly trading with him. Harris has changed his goals for the seasons multiple times in conversation going from wanting to finish in the top half to just wanting to beat Ashby to now wanting to cut himself repeatedly.



Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 7 Summary - Something About Chickens Before They've Hatched and Other Popular Wisdom

Anger is the word as Week 7 brought incredible heart break to our small town. I almost hesitate to even write this summary as things have change overnight and the ESPN site says scores are not final until Saturday. Let's take a look at who was hurt, how they were hurt and why, oh why does it hurt so much...

Average score came in at 99.99 this week, down just a touch from last week's 101.2 pts as scores stayed out of the 50's and 60's and no one really crapped the bed.

The average margin of victory narrowed to just 13.5 pts from last week's big 44.2 pts as matches remained close with two decided by less than a point (more on this shortly0 and the biggest win was by 31.5 as Mike D. could not take advantage of Madge's return to strong-but-not-outrageous scoring.


Performer of The Week:

Out of the ashes and showing some signs of life is new guy, bon vivant, and friend of Kevin, Gregor Davidson. His team chalked up a big 132.9 pts, fueled by Ricky Williams' 27 pts and strong contributions from the TE and D/ST positions. His win also continued to pile up the evidence for the Case Against Devo. It is all an illusion, Devin. Smoke and mirrors. Mark my words.

No honourable mentions this week as nobody else cleared the 120 point mark.

Senorita Of The Week:

Fusco - 75.1 Points.
Brian Westbrook - 3 carries. 13 yards. 1 Knee to the head. 1 concussion. A whole bunch of heartbreak. And even worse, a loss to Tim. UGH.



5-1 Club:

The herd has thinned a bit as Madge took care of Alls, but Devo just keeps hanging around the back door to the club and sneaking in every time the dishwasher goes out for a smoke. Sure, he's in the club, but does he really belong???


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Too tough to award this one this week as the 3 close games could have been swung either direction too many ways with almost any player substitution. Oh wait, nothing could have saved Harris, he still would have lost to Lance. Harris, maybe not such a good idea to make bold predictions on the boards:

Jamie Harris (Oct 25 1:11 PM): I am predicting a streak of 3 or 4 wins starting this week. Don't be afraid to vote.

Maybe that streak will start next week....

Not once, but twice did the game results change overnight. First, the 3-headed monster's sweet Sunday night slumber was all for naught as a Monday morning scoring adjustment to Brees' total swung them from squeaker of a win to a squeaker of a loss and an early Christmas present for Kevin. Once again, the chat transcript tells the story:

Mith Bobo (Oct 23 7:04 PM): It's closer than you think Kevin, and its a must win on your way to a break even season.

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 2:18 PM): I know its close....its going to come down to Drew Brees having to pass for 350 yards and three scores.

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 6:22 PM): Or most of your team crapping themselves

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:14 PM): KABBBOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:41 PM): Uh oh!!

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 7:42 PM): What was that? you better hope Breaston scores some points...

Mith Bobo (Oct 25 7:49 PM): an average night would do it. i think he will

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 25 8:47 PM): Well, there it is. Chalk up another shit loss.

Mith Bobo (Oct 26 6:46 AM): Nice win Kev. Fricken point adjustment

kevin Andrachuk (Oct 26 7:58 AM): What happened? Nice!

And as if that wasn't enough drama for one week, last night a brought similar heartbreak/joyous combo to the Hauser/Alls match. A MNF performance for Alls from DeSean Jackson had brought him a 1 point lead from a 30+ point deficit before the game. The chat doesn't reveal the same emotional roller coaster as the Kevin / 3-Headed monster match, but paints the scene:

JEFF Lastname (Oct 26 12:50 PM): (McNabb to Jackson for the TD)x4

Jay Hauser (Oct 27 8:07 AM): Point Adjustment?

The moral of the story:

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Technology is ruining our lives.
Kevin's luck just changed, and beware.
Pat/Sunny/Eric are being punished.
Hauser clearly found someone to bribe at ESPN.



State of the League:

We've reached the mid-way point of the season, and your beloved Commissioner has some observations:

The Good News:

• Nobody has been eliminated from the playoff picture yet. But Harris is coming close as he is 5 games behind with 7 to play. A 6 game losing streak makes you question everything you've ever done. Or so I've read.
• Devo's 2nd loss proves my point that his time at the top was all an illusion. He will fall to his usual mid-packery soon.
• Things are still competitive, but time is running out.
  

The Bad News:

• Madge looks strong and his 6 game win streak is upsetting.
• 5 teams are behind Tim. At least 5 owners are seeing their pre-season goal of "Just beat Tim" in jeopardy.
• Lance has the worst good team. Pain to come. Just like the Buffalo fan that he is.
• Harris, Eric/Sunny/Pat, and Mike D. are all in deep, deep trouble. Fire sale time???
  

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 6 Summary - Holy Offense! / Defensive Suckitude / Kevin Wins!:

Average jumped over 100 for the first time this week to 101.2 pts from last week's 87.9 pts, as offense was the story this week. Big weeks from 5 of six winning teams with score of over 110 pts.

Average margin of victory nearly doubled to 44.2 pts from last week's 22.6 pts as the closest match was still a blow-out by almost 20 points. This week's largest margin of victory was a shocking 92.6 points as Madge handed Jeff most of his man-bits in a battle of 4-1 teams. Kevin spanked Lance (and not in they way he likes to be spanked) by 64.5 pts and Harris received his second 40 point beat down in a row at the hands of Devo and his resurgent squad of misfits.


Performer of The Week:

Madge's team of criminals, no-names and the criminally insane threw up a massive 169.8 points (positively Fusco-like, by the way). His team was firing on all cylinders with double-digit performances from almost every position.

Honourable mentions this week go to Devo with a strong 129.9 pts and to Kevin with 125.8 pts, and his first victory. Lance was clearly bribed into taking a dive by starting 3 Buffalo Bills positions and will forever be remembered as the guy that stopped Kev's historically bad losing streak. Kevin has also declared to the commissioner's office that he will run the table on his remaining games. We'll see about that.

Senorita Of The Week:

Lance Richter, 61.3 points. Where did it go wrong for him? Everywhere. I'm deeply concerned that his affinity for the Buffalo Bills is getting in the way of his ability to compete. Someone needs to talk to him. Devo, care to tell him your sad tale about the Raider fan???

Honourable Mention to Mike D. and his 63 points. He tried to suck, but couldn't suck as hard as Lance. How many real estate bidding wars do you think he's managed to win by simply staring at his clients and saying, "Choose balls 100% of the time."???



5-1 Club:

The herd has thinned a bit as Madge took care of Alls, but Devo just keeps hanging around the back door to the club and sneaking in every time the dishwasher goes out for a smoke. Sure, he's in the club, but does he really belong???


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Nobody had enough points on the bench to save them from their loss, but this week did see the first application of the blow-out penalty. Harris' NY Giant D/ST coughed up a massive, brown-sheeted 48 points to the Saints thus earning him a -10 pt penalty. Beware the blowout, as this league adds insult to injury. Had his defense held them to just 3 fewer points and had he started Maroney, he would have only lost by 9 pts. Harris has joined Kevin in the basement at 1-5, soon to be there alone as Kev's streak of being 1st on the waiver wire has bolstered his squad with some solid talent.

State of the League:

Things remain competitive as 7 teams sit at .500 or better and nobody has run away with it yet. At lunch the other day, one owner who shall remain nameless, asked whether any teams had been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Not yet is the reply, but things should shake out in the coming weeks. However, I still think some teams need to make some moves to help themselves. Trading is fun. Get out there, make some friends, have fun, and please be safe.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 5 Summary - Turkeys Weren't The Only Thing Stuffed This Week:

The chill of the autumn air. Moist turkey on an overloaded plate. Drunken relatives and in-laws with difficult to remember names. 3 kinds of pie for dessert. One winning streak that would not stand. One losing streak that may never end. I'm thankful for all of it.

Average score for Week 5 fell to 87.9 from last week's healthy 93.6 pts, as a return to scores in the 50s and 60s by 4 of the teams brought shame and the stink of failure back to our beloved league.

Average margin of victory increased to 22.6 pts from 17.3 pts as only one contest ended close. This week's largest margin of victory was especially fabulous as Harris was stuffed like the new guy in prison by your suddenly competitive commissioner by a margin of 39.9 points. This week's squeaker was decided by a mere 3 points as Hauser squeezed out another close one over the 3-Headed Monster.

Performer of The Week:

Gregor showed some bounce back as he threw up 136.8 points this week in a very personal, hope-crushing victory over Kevin. His best performance of the year and his first 100+ showing since Week 1.

Honourable mention this week to Kevin, 113.5 points. Not huge, but enough for a victory had he played any other team in the league. But no, a 5 week losing streak instead. I bet your turkey was dry and mashed potatoes were gluey.

Senorita Of The Week:

Mike D. clearly phoned it in this week with a very young lady like 56.2 points. Or less than half of Kevin's total. Of special importance, Mike's QB, Derek Anderson -0.8 pts. That's some good decision making. Also, when are we going to see you on bus stop advertising???

Honourable Mention to Devo and his 72.5 points. Not the second lowest, but low enough to stop your winning streak and add more proof to the working theory that your record was and remains a fortunate one.
See what happens when you call out the league settings??? Do you see now?



4-1 Club:

All of a sudden, things are very crowed in the leader's lounge. Exclusivity be damned, as it looks like ladies night. In the club: Devo (membership under review), Madge (4 game winning streak and highly unbearable), Jeff Alls (also a 4 game winning streak), and Hauser (3 game winning streak, 2 of which were by 3 points or less, so his admittance is questionable). Don't get too comfy as next week will bring change as Madge and Alls face off.


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

There was only one instance were a benched player would have swung the result. Had Sunny/Eric/Patrick started Breaston over Avant, his 6 points would have given you the victory and saved us all from a week of Hauser's boasting...you bastards.

State of the League:

Let's talk about Kevin for a minute and review his PR strategy:

Week 1: He was just glad to get his STB week out of the way.
Weeks 2-4: He was a victim of a TE success conspiracy.
Week 5: He finds this whole thing "funny".

Kevin, I admire your coping skills. They are highly evolved.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 4 Summary - Back Online, But 2 Constants Remain

Read it online here:
http://cebfl.blogspot.com/

or for you Blackberry-istas:

Week 4 Summary:

Your beloved commissioner went back, waaaay back to 1994 this last week. Watching football without Fantasycast is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - even Madge.

The sacrifices I've made in the last week are many. I had to go to a sketchy internet cafe in Korea town to even set my line-up. The good news - I now understand why there are fewer teen-aged hooligans at our malls and on our streets - they are all in poorly-lit internet cafes playing online video games at $2.50/hr.

Average score for Week 4 jumped back up to 93.6 pts, as nobody posted a score in the 50s or 60s.

Average margin of victory fell to 17.3 pts from last week's 23.8 pts, as the games were generally closer with one major exception. That exception happened to also be the largest margin of victory at a healthy 48.5 points (as Jeff continued his white on white crime spree and did very bad things to Tim Ashby and most of his extended family). The closest match came down to 7.5 points (Lance's 2nd win over a waiver-wire-solstice-seeking Mike D.), but it can hardly be called a squeaker. In the "Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" category, Madge came in far short of the 30 pt project win over my shitty team.


Performer of The Week:

Jeff Alls threw up 120.9 points is his Ashby-crushing week with solid contributions throughout his line-up and with 3 guys on bye weeks and Kerry Collins as his QB. Jeff has always lived on the edge. I blame his simple country upbringing.

No honourable mentions this week. Not enough points to talk about anybody else.

Senorita Of The Week:

Sadly, I don't have a picture of Tim in a dress. I'm sure there's a number of such pictures out there, I just don't have one. Maybe Hauser has a collection. But, this is almost as good. Curling changes a man. And so does being SOTW. 72.4 points. Not terrible, but the worst of the bunch this week.

4-0 Club:
Ugh. Does anyone else find this story line boring? I'm almost as sick of hearing about Devo as I am about the Favre story. Is it possible that Madge's prophecy will come true this week?

Let's poke holes in Devo's streak:

Week 1: A mild 20 pt thrashing of Mike D. A win technically, but hardly a victory.
Week 2: A 118.1 to 74.3 beatdown of me, your beloved Commissioner. Credit where credit is due. Quite the victory.
Week 3: A 118.3 to 79.6 molestation of 'He who is without a win". Shouldn't beating Kevin only count as 1/2 a win???
Week 4: A 87.6 to 77 pt tap on the shoulder to a weakened 3-Headed Monster. No Gore and little contribution from Brees. Quite a points fall off.

That's right folks, he clearly should be 2-2 or 1-3. I'll give him the win over Kev, but the rest of his victories are questionable at best.



The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

No award this week as no bench player would have helped enough to change any team's fortune. Bye weeks force the results some, or perhaps everybody's ESP is simply clicking right now.

State of the League:

Nice balance in the distribution of the standings. One team at 4-0, three at 3-1, four at 2-2, three at 1-3, and one at 0-4. It would make a pretty graph for all you who remember standard deviation.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 3 Summary - Empty Threats, Broken Promises, and Technical Issues

I'm back you bastards. The shadow people tried to take me off the air by blowing up my computer and sending me back to life in 1994 for a week, but i made it through one of the world's toughest ordeals. And now, I'm back to fill the cavernous void in your lives that you've missed for weeks 3 and 4. Both summaries will be published/distributed. Be grateful, bitches. Be grateful that I'm still writing this given how awful my team is. Be grateful I share my thoughts with you. Be grateful that you know me.

Read it online here:
http://cebfl.blogspot.com/

or for you Blackberry-istas:

Week 3 Summary:

Your beloved commissioner experienced the nearest thing to Chinese water torture (at least since those 26 unfortunate days outside of Shanghai in 1992, but I digress) last night as I watched with with great hope that Romo and Witten would get the 30 points I needed to beat Mike D. They didn't and now my name circles the same toilet bowl as most of the league owners I attempt to avoid in my everyday life.

Scoring fell to less insane levels as the monster performances were really limited to Peyton Manning's 42.4 points. Plus Brees could only muster 6.6 pts and Gore went down with an injury. C. Johnson cooled off too and could post just 9 points.

Average score for Week 3 was 83.6 pts, down significantly from last week's 92.7.

Average margin of victory fell to 23.8 pts from last week's 29.6, with the largest margin of victory at a monster 60 points (As Jeff prison raped Gregor and any happy dreams Gregor may ever have) and 2 contests fell into the squeaker category, decided by 1.4 pts (Lance's toss of Eric/Sunny/Pat's salad in a bed crapping tete-a-tete) and 1.5 pts (Hauser's reach-around on Harris).


Performer of The Week:

Devo put in another strong week despite Johnson's fall off in points generation by posting 118.3 points thanks to good performances from A. Rodgers and D. Mason. This should add considerably to his smugness.

Honourable mention to Jeff Alls (116.4 pts) and Madge (112.4 pts). Ugh, this could get ugly.

Senorita Of The Week:

Despite the best bed-crapping efforts of Lance (59 pts) and Sunny/Eric/Pat (57.6 pts), there is a new Senorita this week as pre-season favourite and new guy Gregor Davidson puked up a wee 56.4 points. The other senoritas will welcome you with girly drinks and make-up tips.

3-0 Club:
One man stands alone in the club. Devin Mackesy, you magnificent bastard. Although beating Kevin can hardly be considered an accomplishment, the club is yours. Since Madge has already targeted you with his UFC style pre-match hype, we'll just sit back and wait for you to lose in Week 5. The upside here is that having coffee or lunch with Sunny/Eric/Pat will be bearable again now that they have tasted defeat.



A Special Contribution From Patrick Smith dedicated to Kevin Andrachuk:

Perhaps it is Pat's drift into his golden years, but he wants to contribute to the weekly summary and his ideas are numerous. He clearly takes pleasure (as we all do) in Kevin's record and has offered the following user-suggested content:

Can we call Kevin "Agent 00-3"?

Who he is: A 00 agent. 003 was present at the Thunderball meeting.

Where he is now: Deceased, presumably still in Siberia where his body was found by 007.

How he was dispatched: He was killed by Russian KBG guards in Siberia whilst on a mission to steal a microchip. 007 finds 003, takes the chip, and reports back in London , after a spectacular escape from the KGB guards in A View To A Kill.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Lance - J. Campbell, 30.7 pts - fortunately fate decided to frown on your opponent and you didn't need the points.

State of the League:

Someone must get Devo. This is not a test. Have him killed, get a free steak from the Commissioner.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 2 Summary

Your beloved commissioner's weekend was truly full: a birthday celebration for Kevin that saw horse meat tartare, the witnessing of roof sex, the smoking of 1.3 cigarettes, copious amounts of vodka and whiskey, the emergence of society-threatening "Futon Jay-son", an epic hangover, a number of astonishing fantasy performances, an early season favourite's fall from grace, 2 teams continue undefeated and 2 come-from-behind-thanks-to-MNF-performance victories.

My fascination with Fantasycast continued this Sunday as the second day of a hangover fit well with televised football. The warm glow of my laptop screen fought off the chilly near-fall air and kept my attention riveted to all the league's scoring movements.

Sunday afternoon saw 2 insane RB performances (C. Johnson's 48 pts, and F. Gore's 40) for Devo and Eric/Patrick/Sunny. Sunday evening brought Harris to an extra-frothy lather when Fantasycast wasn't showing the NYG Defensive score properly which only fueled his buyer's remorse for Brady over-payment. And Monday Night Football brought TE fever for Mike D. and Wildcat joy for Jeff Alls.

Average score for Week 2 was 92.7 pts, up slightly from last week's 92.2.

Average margin of victory grew to 29.6 pts from last week's 21.3, with the largest margin of victory at 56.6 points (Gregor's bitch-slap of a beat-down at the hands of the 3-headed monster), and the smallest contest decided by 5.8 pts (Harris' heartbreaking loss to Ashby).


Performer of The Week:

Team T-Dot, despite their inability to follow the most basic of instructions (league registration), or their inability to operate the auction (bid on and bought at least one player they claim they didn't mean to), and a general lack of respect for the rich tradition of the fantasy football fraternity, posted an impressive 131.5 pts. Brees and Gore put up a combined 71.5 pts. Ugh, I think my hangover is coming back

Honourable mention to Mike D. (118.5 pts) and Devo (118.1 pts). Yes, you read that correctly, Mike D. and Devo. Together at last.

Senorita Of The Week:

There's a new Senorita in town this week and her name is Jay Hauser. Jay sucked even harder this week and his poo poo platter of a team only mustered a feeble 57.4 points. But Jay sure looks pretty in her dress. Also, a tip to society at large: Should you ever find yourself at a bar (or 3) with Jay when he has arranged to sleep on his own futon as opposed to his marital bed, beware. The details are blurry, but it is safe to say that an avalanche of alcohol will follow.

2-0 Club:
Two teams enter: Eric/Pat/Sunny and Devo.
About the club: What a difference a week makes. Careful Devo, that 3-headed monster likes to do things that most would not be proud of. If they tap your elbow, slowly move away to the other side of the club.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Kevin - M. Schaub, 44.5 pts. Kev, this is becoming a terrible trend. If this continues, I'm changing the name of the award. At least you'll have that.

Lance - C. Palmer, 29.5 pts - enough to make it close, but not to swing the win in your direction.
Harris - T. Edwards, 25.1 pts. When will you learn that the rest of the league has figured out Brady and the Pats and that your financial management skills simply aren't there.

Gregor - E. Manning, 30.5 pts. It is like you started to believe all the bad things I was saying about him or something. But still nowhere near enough points to save you from your beating.

State of the League:

Call it a smoked meat sandwich - a look at the standings shows 2 teams at 2-0, 2 teams at 0-2, and the meaty rest of the league at 1-1. The young season has already seen triumph and heartbreak, tears of joy and of terror, laughter and wailing, grins and grimaces. And by grimace, I don't mean the purple creature from the McDonald's of your youths.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land

Week 1 Summary

I don't know about the rest of you, but this Commissioner spent most of the last 4 days staring at Fantasycast as the back and forth between the various match-ups kept me on the edge of my seat as leads changed frequently in almost every contest. You can only be in one of two categories this week - Winner or Loser.

Average score in this new format was 92.2 points. Are you above or below average where it counts???

Average margin of victory was 21.3 points, with the largest margin of victory at 39.7 points (Gregor over the Care Bear Jew), and the smallest contest decided by 11.6 points (The 3-headed monster over Jeff Alls).


Performer of The Week:

The teas leaves warned of this last week, and I am fearful of what we may be witnessing as Jamie Harris' homo-erotic Team Tap Out put up 117.9 points. Fueled by a slow starting, yet ship-righting Tom Brady and his 31.9 points.

Honourable mention to New Guy, MMA fan, and early favourite, Gregor Davidson and his team's 115.8 points.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh my. We have a new Senorita of Suckitude as Kevin Andrachuk opened wide and sucked it hard this week in not only getting thrashed by me, your beloved commissioner, but also because his "talent" could only muster a mere 64.8 points. Beating Kevin was satisfying, but that his team didn't even compete? A little sad.

1-0 Club:

The Winners - Your Commissioner, Gregor Davidson, Jamie Harris, Eric/Pat/Sunny, Devo, and Hauser.

About the club: it is crowded this year with guests of clearly questionable basis for admission. I'm confident that the coming weeks will separate the wheat from the chaff and this once pristine and hallowed club will return to its exclusive goodness. Until then, I'll be on guard for someone trying to rufie my drink, and we'll keep the good scotch behind the bar.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Madge - Flacco, 33.6 - but not enough to beat Harris.
Kevin - Hasselbeck, 29.5 - the difference would have given you the win this week. Ouch.

State of the League:

I think it is fair to say that the action has lived up to the hype. 50% of the league is happy and 50% of the league are losers. I'll take it. I love the head to head format and personally hope that Drew Brees and his 42.5 points gets hit by the team bus before I have to play Eric/Pat/Sunny.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land