Week 7 brought with it some personal validation for your beloved Commissioner, just the one score in the triple digits but six below 80, a sole leader in the lounge, and a stop to the shame for the team with three owners. I'll try to hold back my tears of joy and once again get through the summary:
Average score dropped yet again to a season-low 80.7 points from last week's 88 points and the average margin of victory came in at just 14 points.
Performer of The Week:
Your beloved Commissioner (Matthew J. Fusco) gets the praise this week as a heroic effort powered by Arian Foster's 43 handed Thomas Q. Ashberg his second defeat in a row since proclaiming himself "Unbeatable". There will be no honourable mentions this week as no one else made it into triple digits. Shame on you all.
Senorita Of The Week:
This week's SOTW and all of its related shame falls on Jamie Harris and his lowly 55.5 points This is a man that knows shame. This is a man that will know shame again. Just ask him for some of the photos.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
Proof of divine intervention??? Did God answer this summary's prayer??? Eric/Pat/Sunny were able to put their first win on the board by handing defeat to Kevin by a mere 5.6 points. But a win is a win. Congrats, gentlemen. Just a tip though - try not to
Also, please note that the fantasy football gods have punished Kevin for proclaiming his team to be "firing on all cylinders". Fantasy Hubris is a sin. Look it up.
6-1 Club:
And then there was 1. Congrats to Devo for fumigating the leader's lounge and clearing out the Blattella Ashbyahinai (that's a fancy way of saying cockroach - go ahead look it up) and having it to himself. Beware thine own fall from grace.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
To this award's namesake: I'm guessing you would have liked to start a kicker. Or a tight end. "Bye" means their team will not be playing that week.
To Mike D: We all know the Arizona Cardinals are your team, but benching Roethlisberger and his 39.6 almost cost you the win. Fortunately for you, Madge can't seem to get his reptile brain around the new waiver wire system. Congratulations on being 1 game over .500 - is this a first???
State of the League:
I enjoyed the chatter last week - let's see it the hatred and vitriol keeps going.
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Team Cryptkeeper 6 1 0 .857 --
FAST BOWLERS 5 2 0 .714 1
Stiff Brees 4 3 0 .571 2
Team BadNewsBrawlers 4 3 0 .571 2
Stack's House 4 3 0 .571 2
Inglorious Bastards 4 3 0 .571 2
GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 3 4 0 .429 3
Where To Next? 3 4 0 .429 3
Team Tap Out 3 4 0 .429 3
Abe Froman 3 4 0 .429 3
The Blue Steel Dynasty 2 5 0 .286 4
T-Dot Triple Threat 1 6 0 .143 5
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's all hope (and pray?) for your commissioner's win streak to keep going in Week 8.
By the way, things are a little crazy in Nairobi - grenades, explosions, Al Shabaab threats. I may have to relocate the league office...
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
The (Almost) Mid-Season Power Rankings with 80's WWF characters added
A special guest post by league member, owner/manager, bon vivant and mid-packer, Kevin Andrachuk:
12. Triple Threat: The Hart Foundation (or the Bolsheviks)
This team is turning out to be quite pathetic. Who's driving this runaway, bangladeshi train? All of these brothers wrestled for the title at some point, the promise of something better is always present, but tragedy will eventually strike. If you guys were better, you could have been the Legion of Doom.
11. Blue Steel Dynasty: Brutus the Barber Beefcake
He once was a force, but was revealed to be a flaming failure when he had to deal with some adversity. One injury is a Deathblow, Madge? Your better than that.
10. The Commish: Captain Lou Albano
I recently saw pictures of Matt in full tribal gear, with the hoop earings and everything. I fear that is the direction his team is going, deep into the jungle, never to return. Its hard to make a move when Jay Cutler is your starting QB. I think Matt is suffering from the Curse of Tony Romo.
9. Mike D: Poppa Shangow
There were many options for Mike (Jake the Snake, Tatanka, Jimmy Snuka), but Poppa Shangow fits, as he has been cursed since his success many years ago. He has not been a player in years, but everybody hopes he finally makes it out of the bottom three and into the race.
8. Jaime Harris: Sgt Slaughter
If you put a moustache and 80 pounds on Jamie, you can see the resemblance. Unfortunately for me, I had the image of Jamie ordering around middle aged hussies at a Swingers club. Not cool. He has Brady, which will keep him in the hunt.
7. Abe Froman: Roddy Piper (pre They Live)
My team has so much promise, but I am not hopeful. Romo could be my downfall, or saviour.
6. Lance: Mr. Perfect
Everything is always in its right place with Lance, but he has never broken through. This is by far his best team, but he desperately needs another RB or two to make the playoffs.
5. Gregor: The Ultimate Warrior
This is seemingly a compliment, as the Ultimate Warrior was the face of the WWF in the late 80s and early 90s. Yet he flamed out, all of his promise not fully realized, as partying and rampant steroid abuse destroyed him. He came in with the best keepers, and his squad is solid, but will he be able hold off some tough competition? he seems to think he has the best team by far, I'm not sure I agree.
4. Hauser: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
The most entertaining pool member, always fun loving, but doesn't seem to have the stuffing to be champion yet. He has come close, and this might be the year. Its debatable whether his weight loss is good for his decision making, but I say it has been. Rivers is about to explode with Gates back.
3. Jeff Alls: Paul Orndorff
A man of Mystery, not much is known about Orndorff, or Jeff. he is a constant competitor, possible champion, and, uh, I don't know. Jeff is very opinionated, but I have never had the pleasure of meeting him. Nice team, I am not sure what to say. I think Jeff has a real shot to win it all with one good trade.
2. Devin: Elizabeth
To the man who was the best looking woman at the 1995 sex fetish party. At first he looked meek this season, not in control of his future, and a blowjob queen behind the scenes. But it turns out she/he has been running things all along. Having Aaron Rodgers is obviously the biggest reason for his ranking, and he also drafted well and has great keepers.
1. Ashby: Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan
Finally, its all coming together for Tim. This could be his year, all the moves are paying off, but at any moment he could make a catastrophic move to detonate his season. He is as cocky as Heenan, but can he finally win something? His team's success is dependant on Newton continuing to thrash opponents, but I think teams will catch up to him.
12. Triple Threat: The Hart Foundation (or the Bolsheviks)
This team is turning out to be quite pathetic. Who's driving this runaway, bangladeshi train? All of these brothers wrestled for the title at some point, the promise of something better is always present, but tragedy will eventually strike. If you guys were better, you could have been the Legion of Doom.
11. Blue Steel Dynasty: Brutus the Barber Beefcake
He once was a force, but was revealed to be a flaming failure when he had to deal with some adversity. One injury is a Deathblow, Madge? Your better than that.
10. The Commish: Captain Lou Albano
I recently saw pictures of Matt in full tribal gear, with the hoop earings and everything. I fear that is the direction his team is going, deep into the jungle, never to return. Its hard to make a move when Jay Cutler is your starting QB. I think Matt is suffering from the Curse of Tony Romo.
9. Mike D: Poppa Shangow
There were many options for Mike (Jake the Snake, Tatanka, Jimmy Snuka), but Poppa Shangow fits, as he has been cursed since his success many years ago. He has not been a player in years, but everybody hopes he finally makes it out of the bottom three and into the race.
8. Jaime Harris: Sgt Slaughter
If you put a moustache and 80 pounds on Jamie, you can see the resemblance. Unfortunately for me, I had the image of Jamie ordering around middle aged hussies at a Swingers club. Not cool. He has Brady, which will keep him in the hunt.
7. Abe Froman: Roddy Piper (pre They Live)
My team has so much promise, but I am not hopeful. Romo could be my downfall, or saviour.
6. Lance: Mr. Perfect
Everything is always in its right place with Lance, but he has never broken through. This is by far his best team, but he desperately needs another RB or two to make the playoffs.
5. Gregor: The Ultimate Warrior
This is seemingly a compliment, as the Ultimate Warrior was the face of the WWF in the late 80s and early 90s. Yet he flamed out, all of his promise not fully realized, as partying and rampant steroid abuse destroyed him. He came in with the best keepers, and his squad is solid, but will he be able hold off some tough competition? he seems to think he has the best team by far, I'm not sure I agree.
4. Hauser: Hacksaw Jim Duggan
The most entertaining pool member, always fun loving, but doesn't seem to have the stuffing to be champion yet. He has come close, and this might be the year. Its debatable whether his weight loss is good for his decision making, but I say it has been. Rivers is about to explode with Gates back.
3. Jeff Alls: Paul Orndorff
A man of Mystery, not much is known about Orndorff, or Jeff. he is a constant competitor, possible champion, and, uh, I don't know. Jeff is very opinionated, but I have never had the pleasure of meeting him. Nice team, I am not sure what to say. I think Jeff has a real shot to win it all with one good trade.
2. Devin: Elizabeth
To the man who was the best looking woman at the 1995 sex fetish party. At first he looked meek this season, not in control of his future, and a blowjob queen behind the scenes. But it turns out she/he has been running things all along. Having Aaron Rodgers is obviously the biggest reason for his ranking, and he also drafted well and has great keepers.
1. Ashby: Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan
Finally, its all coming together for Tim. This could be his year, all the moves are paying off, but at any moment he could make a catastrophic move to detonate his season. He is as cocky as Heenan, but can he finally win something? His team's success is dependant on Newton continuing to thrash opponents, but I think teams will catch up to him.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Week 6 Summary - Glimmer Of Hope / A Whole Lotta .500 / Bottom Dweller
Week 6 brought with it a small glimmer of hope for your beloved Commissioner, just two scores in the triple digits but three in the 60s, a mild thinning of the leaders lounge, and yet more shame for the team with three owners. I'll be able try to get through the summary without crying and maybe even partially sober:
Average score dropped to a season-low 88 points from last week's 91.7 points and the average margin of victory came in at 16.5 points.
Performer of The Week:
Kevin claimed his team was "firing on all cylinders" and his team backed up his words with 127.7 points. Your beloved Commissioner gets the honourable mention as his team was the only other one in triple digits.
Senorita Of The Week:
Gregor takes the SOTW by stinking up the joint with was able to go just 62.8. I guess that pre-game ritual of watching the volleyball scene in Top Gun on a multi-hour loop didn't work so well.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
Mike D. was able to just clip a slumping Gregor D. by just 1.4 points. Both notched scores in the 60's. Not a great performance by either, but shouldn't the BIG NEWS BE THAT MIKE D. IS AT .500?!?!?!?!!?
5-1 Club:
And then there were 2: the lounge has a lovely and cozy table for two by the fireplace which will seat Devo and Timbo on their second date. No chaperone this week as Gregor lost his membership card and was escorted out of the warm confines but security.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
The only possible change this week would have been Gregor starting Mike Thomas and his 3 points over Plaxico's 1 point production. Lots of mention of Gregor this week - he usually keeps a low profile...hmmm....
State of the League:
I'm looking for some trash talk - something personal and friendship destroying. Any takers? Especially since most of the league is clumped together at .500:
Standings
1. Team Cryptkeeper 5-1 W3
2. FAST BOWLERS 5-1 W1
3. Stack's House 4-2 L1
4. GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 3-3 L1
5. Stiff Brees 3-3 L1
6. Inglorious Bastards 3-3 L1
7. Team Tap Out 3-3 L1
8. Abe Froman 3-3 W1
9. Team BadNewsBrawlers 3-3 W1
10. The Blue Steel Dynasty 2-4 W1
11. Where To Next? 2-4 W1
12. T-Dot Triple Threat 0-6 L6
Updated Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Dear God,
Please help Eric/Pat/Sunny see the light, abandon their collectively blasphemous ways, and take a path toward the good side and the way to a win. Or not, I'd be pleased to see somebody go winless on the season and I think they have what it takes to do it.
-Matthew John Fusco - Just like Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John - seriously, were my folks God-fearing or what in the early 70's???
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's all hope for a little more commissioner love in Week 7.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Average score dropped to a season-low 88 points from last week's 91.7 points and the average margin of victory came in at 16.5 points.
Performer of The Week:
Kevin claimed his team was "firing on all cylinders" and his team backed up his words with 127.7 points. Your beloved Commissioner gets the honourable mention as his team was the only other one in triple digits.
Senorita Of The Week:
Gregor takes the SOTW by stinking up the joint with was able to go just 62.8. I guess that pre-game ritual of watching the volleyball scene in Top Gun on a multi-hour loop didn't work so well.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
Mike D. was able to just clip a slumping Gregor D. by just 1.4 points. Both notched scores in the 60's. Not a great performance by either, but shouldn't the BIG NEWS BE THAT MIKE D. IS AT .500?!?!?!?!!?
5-1 Club:
And then there were 2: the lounge has a lovely and cozy table for two by the fireplace which will seat Devo and Timbo on their second date. No chaperone this week as Gregor lost his membership card and was escorted out of the warm confines but security.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
The only possible change this week would have been Gregor starting Mike Thomas and his 3 points over Plaxico's 1 point production. Lots of mention of Gregor this week - he usually keeps a low profile...hmmm....
State of the League:
I'm looking for some trash talk - something personal and friendship destroying. Any takers? Especially since most of the league is clumped together at .500:
Standings
1. Team Cryptkeeper 5-1 W3
2. FAST BOWLERS 5-1 W1
3. Stack's House 4-2 L1
4. GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 3-3 L1
5. Stiff Brees 3-3 L1
6. Inglorious Bastards 3-3 L1
7. Team Tap Out 3-3 L1
8. Abe Froman 3-3 W1
9. Team BadNewsBrawlers 3-3 W1
10. The Blue Steel Dynasty 2-4 W1
11. Where To Next? 2-4 W1
12. T-Dot Triple Threat 0-6 L6
Updated Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Dear God,
Please help Eric/Pat/Sunny see the light, abandon their collectively blasphemous ways, and take a path toward the good side and the way to a win. Or not, I'd be pleased to see somebody go winless on the season and I think they have what it takes to do it.
-Matthew John Fusco - Just like Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John - seriously, were my folks God-fearing or what in the early 70's???
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's all hope for a little more commissioner love in Week 7.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Week 5 Summary - A Return To Normalcy / Posting Too Soon / Low is Low / The Darkness Closes In
Week 5 brought with it the beginning of NFL bye weeks, a return to reality in scoring, a defeat to one that was previously undefeated, some scores in the 50s, and further emotional decay for your beloved Commissioner. I'll try to get through the summary without crying and before the mood enhancers kick in:
Average score returned to a normal 91.7 points from last week's rather silly 105 points and the average margin of victory came in at 22.4 points.
Performer of The Week:
No "WOW"s this week. Just good, old fashioned point gettin' Jeff Alls and his 109.2 points were the high water mark this week.
Honourable mentions to Lance (108.9) and Devo and Gregor (both at 102.6).
Senorita Of The Week:
This may be the closest SOTW race we've ever had: Kevin stumbled his way to just 57.1, but Madge was able to put even more poo in his pants and notch a mere 56.7 points. Life sure is different this season, isn't it Madge???
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
Pass the prozac, Jameson's, and Haagen Daaz vanilla ice cream - I was clipped by Harris by just 5.8 points. My emotional state is not a good one. Cry for me, Argentina.
4-1 Club:
Ah, yes. Tim Ashby has finally felt the cold steel of defeat at the hands of the one and only Lance Richter. And the leaders' lounge now grants access to the following members:
Ashby (days are numbered - on more of a guest pass than an actual membership card)
Devin Mackesy (WHAT?!?!?! Sneaky, Devo. Very sneaky)
Gregor Davidson (Must be making Kevin so very angry)
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
I'm sure Mike D. would like Rothlisberger's 41.4, and Eric/Pat/Sunny probably should have started Cruz and his 22 over Boldin and his BYE week.
State of the League:
Please Tim, keep posting league messages titled "I'm Unbeatable". Pretty please.
Standings
1. FAST BOWLERS 4-1 L1
2. Team Cryptkeeper 4-1 W2
3. Stack's House 4-1 W2
4. Inglorious Bastards 3-2 W1
5. GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 3-2 W2
6. Stiff Brees 3-2 W1
7. Team Tap Out 3-2 W1
8. Abe Froman 2-3 L2
9. Team BadNewsBrawlers 2-3 L1
10. The Blue Steel Dynasty 1-4 L1
11. Where To Next? 1-4 L4
12. T-Dot Triple Threat 0-5 L5
Updated Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's all hope for a happier week 6.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Average score returned to a normal 91.7 points from last week's rather silly 105 points and the average margin of victory came in at 22.4 points.
Performer of The Week:
No "WOW"s this week. Just good, old fashioned point gettin' Jeff Alls and his 109.2 points were the high water mark this week.
Honourable mentions to Lance (108.9) and Devo and Gregor (both at 102.6).
Senorita Of The Week:
This may be the closest SOTW race we've ever had: Kevin stumbled his way to just 57.1, but Madge was able to put even more poo in his pants and notch a mere 56.7 points. Life sure is different this season, isn't it Madge???
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
Pass the prozac, Jameson's, and Haagen Daaz vanilla ice cream - I was clipped by Harris by just 5.8 points. My emotional state is not a good one. Cry for me, Argentina.
4-1 Club:
Ah, yes. Tim Ashby has finally felt the cold steel of defeat at the hands of the one and only Lance Richter. And the leaders' lounge now grants access to the following members:
Ashby (days are numbered - on more of a guest pass than an actual membership card)
Devin Mackesy (WHAT?!?!?! Sneaky, Devo. Very sneaky)
Gregor Davidson (Must be making Kevin so very angry)
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
I'm sure Mike D. would like Rothlisberger's 41.4, and Eric/Pat/Sunny probably should have started Cruz and his 22 over Boldin and his BYE week.
State of the League:
Please Tim, keep posting league messages titled "I'm Unbeatable". Pretty please.
Standings
1. FAST BOWLERS 4-1 L1
2. Team Cryptkeeper 4-1 W2
3. Stack's House 4-1 W2
4. Inglorious Bastards 3-2 W1
5. GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 3-2 W2
6. Stiff Brees 3-2 W1
7. Team Tap Out 3-2 W1
8. Abe Froman 2-3 L2
9. Team BadNewsBrawlers 2-3 L1
10. The Blue Steel Dynasty 1-4 L1
11. Where To Next? 1-4 L4
12. T-Dot Triple Threat 0-5 L5
Updated Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's all hope for a happier week 6.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Week 4 Summary - Oh My, So High / Oh No, So Very Low....
Week 4 positively stunned your usually loquacious, verbose, and generally beloved commissioner. The results are Dickensian in their separation of those that did well from those that did not and mimic the current global economic strife that separates the rich from the poor but in much more serious fantasy football terms.
Once again, the harsh light of Tuesday and a look at the final scores dashed the hopes of some, stoked the competitive fires of others, and even breathed life into some that were near death. While I'd like to say at least 51% of my weekly content is fresh, I feel the need to re-use the following lines: Some new emotional depths have been reached by me and I can only assume others. And yet others are riding rainbows of happiness sprinkled with the tail wags of a happy puppies. Let's get to that which went down:
Average score jumped back up to 104.9 points from last week's 97.5 points. But math geeks will tell you that a simple average calculation can mask flaws in any data set. And this week is evidence of this flawed statistic and its use here. Back to Dickens, as this week's scores were the best of times and the worst of times. Unlike last week, this week saw scores that were outrageous AND terrible.
The average margin of victory was an RIDICULOUS 48.6 pts this week. Eric / Pat / Sunny fell to Devo by an epic 126.1 points, and Kevin fell to Hauser by 76.1 points. The window for league surrender will open early this year and we're giving away a free suicide steak knife with each application. Three of the other four matches were each decided by almost 30 points. Yikes.
Performer of The Week:
Um, I think this one deserves a "WOW". Devin Mackesy, 193.9 points every roster spot hit double digits and Rodgers put up a massive 65.9 points. Maybe, "YIKES" is better. Holy crap.
Honourable mentions to Hauser (145.1), Gregor (129), and Ashby (121.7).
Senorita Of The Week:
Ruh-roh, again....Consider your beloved commissioner on suicide watch. Is there an NHL pool that needs a commissioner? Maybe I could pull a Gary Betman and let Ashby be my David Stern? While I may be your SOTW with a meagre 63.9 points (also giving Madge his 1st win), 2 other teams were trying to challenge me with their suckitude by scoring in the 60s - Eric/Pat/Sunny (67.8) and Kevin (69). A word of advice - you do not want to be like your beloved commissioner. The imitation is flattering, but ill-advised. In other news, my anger towards Arian Foster means I will now be accepting offers for his services.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
As alluded to above, just the one close match this week as Mike D. clipped Lance by just 4.9 points.
4-0 Club:
I'm thinking of cancelling this section of the summary due to lack of readership interest. Tim Ashby is the only one that likes this part. I can assure you all that I do not like it at all.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
I'm pretty sure Lance would like Pierre Garcon and his 32 if he had the chance to do it again. The other matches were so lopsided that no one player could have shifted the outcomes.
State of the League:
M W L T PCT GB
FAST BOWLERS 4 0 0 1.000 --
Team Cryptkeeper 3 1 0 .750 1
Stack's House 3 1 0 .750 1
GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 2 2 0 .500 2
Stiff Brees 2 2 0 .500 2
Team Tap Out 2 2 0 .500 2
Inglorious Bastards 2 2 0 .500 2
Abe Froman 2 2 0 .500 2
Team BadNewsBrawlers 2 2 0 .500 2
The Blue Steel Dynasty 1 3 0 .250 3
Where To Next? 1 3 0 .250 3
T-Dot Triple Threat 0 4 0 .000 4
Has anyone heard from Eric/Pat/Sunny - is it possible they have pulled a Mike D. circa 2010??? Is Patrick having more children and using Eric and Sunny as some dynamic manny team to herd the children???
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's hope for a happier week 5.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
Once again, the harsh light of Tuesday and a look at the final scores dashed the hopes of some, stoked the competitive fires of others, and even breathed life into some that were near death. While I'd like to say at least 51% of my weekly content is fresh, I feel the need to re-use the following lines: Some new emotional depths have been reached by me and I can only assume others. And yet others are riding rainbows of happiness sprinkled with the tail wags of a happy puppies. Let's get to that which went down:
Average score jumped back up to 104.9 points from last week's 97.5 points. But math geeks will tell you that a simple average calculation can mask flaws in any data set. And this week is evidence of this flawed statistic and its use here. Back to Dickens, as this week's scores were the best of times and the worst of times. Unlike last week, this week saw scores that were outrageous AND terrible.
The average margin of victory was an RIDICULOUS 48.6 pts this week. Eric / Pat / Sunny fell to Devo by an epic 126.1 points, and Kevin fell to Hauser by 76.1 points. The window for league surrender will open early this year and we're giving away a free suicide steak knife with each application. Three of the other four matches were each decided by almost 30 points. Yikes.
Performer of The Week:
Um, I think this one deserves a "WOW". Devin Mackesy, 193.9 points every roster spot hit double digits and Rodgers put up a massive 65.9 points. Maybe, "YIKES" is better. Holy crap.
Honourable mentions to Hauser (145.1), Gregor (129), and Ashby (121.7).
Senorita Of The Week:
Ruh-roh, again....Consider your beloved commissioner on suicide watch. Is there an NHL pool that needs a commissioner? Maybe I could pull a Gary Betman and let Ashby be my David Stern? While I may be your SOTW with a meagre 63.9 points (also giving Madge his 1st win), 2 other teams were trying to challenge me with their suckitude by scoring in the 60s - Eric/Pat/Sunny (67.8) and Kevin (69). A word of advice - you do not want to be like your beloved commissioner. The imitation is flattering, but ill-advised. In other news, my anger towards Arian Foster means I will now be accepting offers for his services.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
As alluded to above, just the one close match this week as Mike D. clipped Lance by just 4.9 points.
4-0 Club:
I'm thinking of cancelling this section of the summary due to lack of readership interest. Tim Ashby is the only one that likes this part. I can assure you all that I do not like it at all.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
I'm pretty sure Lance would like Pierre Garcon and his 32 if he had the chance to do it again. The other matches were so lopsided that no one player could have shifted the outcomes.
State of the League:
M W L T PCT GB
FAST BOWLERS 4 0 0 1.000 --
Team Cryptkeeper 3 1 0 .750 1
Stack's House 3 1 0 .750 1
GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 2 2 0 .500 2
Stiff Brees 2 2 0 .500 2
Team Tap Out 2 2 0 .500 2
Inglorious Bastards 2 2 0 .500 2
Abe Froman 2 2 0 .500 2
Team BadNewsBrawlers 2 2 0 .500 2
The Blue Steel Dynasty 1 3 0 .250 3
Where To Next? 1 3 0 .250 3
T-Dot Triple Threat 0 4 0 .000 4
Has anyone heard from Eric/Pat/Sunny - is it possible they have pulled a Mike D. circa 2010??? Is Patrick having more children and using Eric and Sunny as some dynamic manny team to herd the children???
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's hope for a happier week 5.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
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