Week 4 positively stunned your usually loquacious, verbose, and generally beloved commissioner. The results are Dickensian in their separation of those that did well from those that did not and mimic the current global economic strife that separates the rich from the poor but in much more serious fantasy football terms.
Once again, the harsh light of Tuesday and a look at the final scores dashed the hopes of some, stoked the competitive fires of others, and even breathed life into some that were near death. While I'd like to say at least 51% of my weekly content is fresh, I feel the need to re-use the following lines: Some new emotional depths have been reached by me and I can only assume others. And yet others are riding rainbows of happiness sprinkled with the tail wags of a happy puppies. Let's get to that which went down:
Average score jumped back up to 104.9 points from last week's 97.5 points. But math geeks will tell you that a simple average calculation can mask flaws in any data set. And this week is evidence of this flawed statistic and its use here. Back to Dickens, as this week's scores were the best of times and the worst of times. Unlike last week, this week saw scores that were outrageous AND terrible.
The average margin of victory was an RIDICULOUS 48.6 pts this week. Eric / Pat / Sunny fell to Devo by an epic 126.1 points, and Kevin fell to Hauser by 76.1 points. The window for league surrender will open early this year and we're giving away a free suicide steak knife with each application. Three of the other four matches were each decided by almost 30 points. Yikes.
Performer of The Week:
Um, I think this one deserves a "WOW". Devin Mackesy, 193.9 points every roster spot hit double digits and Rodgers put up a massive 65.9 points. Maybe, "YIKES" is better. Holy crap.
Honourable mentions to Hauser (145.1), Gregor (129), and Ashby (121.7).
Senorita Of The Week:
Ruh-roh, again....Consider your beloved commissioner on suicide watch. Is there an NHL pool that needs a commissioner? Maybe I could pull a Gary Betman and let Ashby be my David Stern? While I may be your SOTW with a meagre 63.9 points (also giving Madge his 1st win), 2 other teams were trying to challenge me with their suckitude by scoring in the 60s - Eric/Pat/Sunny (67.8) and Kevin (69). A word of advice - you do not want to be like your beloved commissioner. The imitation is flattering, but ill-advised. In other news, my anger towards Arian Foster means I will now be accepting offers for his services.
The "Close-But-No-Cigar" Match (es) of The Week:
As alluded to above, just the one close match this week as Mike D. clipped Lance by just 4.9 points.
4-0 Club:
I'm thinking of cancelling this section of the summary due to lack of readership interest. Tim Ashby is the only one that likes this part. I can assure you all that I do not like it at all.
The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:
I'm pretty sure Lance would like Pierre Garcon and his 32 if he had the chance to do it again. The other matches were so lopsided that no one player could have shifted the outcomes.
State of the League:
M W L T PCT GB
FAST BOWLERS 4 0 0 1.000 --
Team Cryptkeeper 3 1 0 .750 1
Stack's House 3 1 0 .750 1
GENTLEMAN'S INTERMISSION 2 2 0 .500 2
Stiff Brees 2 2 0 .500 2
Team Tap Out 2 2 0 .500 2
Inglorious Bastards 2 2 0 .500 2
Abe Froman 2 2 0 .500 2
Team BadNewsBrawlers 2 2 0 .500 2
The Blue Steel Dynasty 1 3 0 .250 3
Where To Next? 1 3 0 .250 3
T-Dot Triple Threat 0 4 0 .000 4
Has anyone heard from Eric/Pat/Sunny - is it possible they have pulled a Mike D. circa 2010??? Is Patrick having more children and using Eric and Sunny as some dynamic manny team to herd the children???
Good luck on the waiver wire auction and let's hope for a happier week 5.
Commissionarily Yours,
Your Commissioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
New Commissioner's Plaza
100 Mbeki Tutu Mugabe Blvd.
Nairobi, Kenya
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