Week 5 Summary

Holy Offense - Or Maybe Not So Much:

Hmmm....lower average scoring this week with a resurgence in the importance of the running back. Proof? Sure, here it is: 88.28 points per team this week, even with Mike D's, uh, contribution to the cause and 5 of the week's top ten scorers were RBs. Ummm....can't get the website to give me the data by week to give the comparison. So, I'm going with my innate ability to channel statistics.

The New Tom Brady - Part 2:

Well, it certainly isn't Sage Rosenfels, the guy who will be remembered as having played the WORST 6 minutes of quarterbacking EVER. I guess Jay picked him up before the mother of all meltdowns. Sage will have to move away from Houston. Possibly leave Texas. He will be a victim in a news report soon. Any guesses on how long it takes Hauser to drop him? And Jay Cutler? Just 15.58 points this week. Maybe he was tired from being impregnated by Kevin. He does, however, still lead the league in scoring.

500 Point Club:

As much as I wanted to spend a little quality time alone with Patty in the 500 point club, it appears as though Kevin had other plans and will be joining us. Barely. I haven't decided if he will be allowed to sit in the leather wingback chairs yet.

Devin, please see Kevin for the fitting of the veil of shame.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

I'll let Pat do the work this week, here's his actual email:

I think I win the Madge award this week. I read in the morning Rodgers
was doubtful so switched him up which was a boneheaded move. I was
stuffing a turkey to get in the oven by 1pm and by the time I was done
and confirmed Rodgers was playing it was too late. Oh well, my other
guys did well and the turkey was simply delicious.

I'm afraid you only get the honourable mention this week, Pat., but full marks for using the old "I was stuffing a turkey and couldn't set my lineup" excuse. Classic. While Rodgers' 29.73 points on the bench would have put you very close to 1st place (Me, Matthew J. Fusco), Thomas Ashberg stole your thunder and left 32.80 points of DeAngelo Williams on his bench. Points that would have lifted his team to 8th place, hot on the heels of his mortal enemy Hauser.

The Asleep At The Switch Department:

I bet you're all thinking, "This is easy pickin's - Mike D.". And you are all correct. In his defence, he was quoted as saying "I wasn't asleep, I was drunk".

Trade Department:

Midge was at it again this week. He snake oiled Mike D. into a transaction that left poor, innocent, Michael with two RBs on the bye. Otherwise, despite lots of shopping by Jay, the trade volumes are way down this year. Anyone hear from Tim Ashby? I was wondering how he's been. If anyone hears from him, I encourage you to remind him of a time when he was chatty, fun, and more involved than Mike D.

Update on The Ms. Midge Project:

AP - 4.10 points

LT - 5.70 points

Midge - 10th Place. Only ahead of Ashby and Mike D.

Performer of The Week:

It was tight as a tiger this week with Jeff Alls just edging out Kevin Andrachuk, 107.60 to 106.08. And me, your leader, with just 103.48 points. Those bastards benched Eli Manning for the 4th quarter. This summary could have been filled with much more gloating. I'm still in 1st place. Sweet candy.

Senorita Of The Week (That Isn't The Neutered Mike D.):

Low score of the week goes to Lance Richter, 70.18 points. Not a horrible score, and nowhere near Mike D's 40.50, but second lowest of the week and thus the award.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

I guess you must really like the 200 point club. Maybe they have mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce - a tribute to your proud Italian heritage, and your reason for staying there for so long. At least you made a move this week. Too bad that Midge's sweet talk didn't mention the bye week. Shocking.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land