Week 9 Summary

Offensively Mediocre:

Average score this week checked in at 82.54 points, down considerably as just 3 teams put up more than 100 points, and the rest sucked it.

900 Point Club:

Well, it had to happen eventually, and Kevin JUST made it in - 902.74. Take it from me Kevin, it is lonely at the top. Maybe get a cat or a ferret. As you'll find the rest of the league is out for blood, and they just keep coming. Meanwhile, there's a big party going on in the 800 point club with Latvian strippers and some new big screens. I heard the 700 point club has turned into a bath house with a strict no towel policy and its members are VERY happy about it.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Well, SH!TBALLS, Kevin Andrachuk not only displaced me from my comfy and lofty first place role, but he left somewhere between 67 and nearly 100 points on his bench (He add/dropped a bunch of players which confuses the issue a bit). For example:

Driver - 19.60
Fitzpatrick - 19.35

That is scary depth. All he has to do is NOT get hit by a blue Audi on the dark streets near his home and he has won this thing. It is over. I'm not writing summaries anymore. No more clever comments with statistical backup. I'm not even going to watch football anymore.

Got 'em, Need 'em, Got 'em, - This Week's Trade Action:

Hauser and Jeff "Trade Machine" Alls got together, talked it out, and swapped:

Roddy White, Joe Flacco, and Sammy Morris for Dan Orlovsky, Ronnie Brown, and Mushin Muhammad. Somehow, the word Blockbuster doesn't feel as though it applies. I'm concerned about Jeff, I think he has a trading problem. I have a call into A&E to see if they'll do an intervention, but I'm not hopeful. I fear the meth epidemic that is sweeping the U.S. has kept them too busy for our problems. My plan B involves a Mexican de-programmer. Please send funds to help support the cause.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 19.90 points, starting to make an impact

LT - 0 points, BYE week.

Midge - 10th place and having his calls forwarded to the Bath House.

Performer of The Week:

Three weeks in a row might have been too much for my baboon heart to take. Luckily, Tim (110.10 Points) was ousted from top spot by Kevin and his 111.61 Points. I guess this is really Kevin's week - 900 pt Club, Performer of the Week, New Leader, And Madge Memorial Award Winner. Good for you Kevin, good for you. Tim, on the other hand has launched from bottom-dweller to mid-pack maven in a few short weeks. This makes the goal of beating Tim (the goal of multiple managers) a little more challenging.

Senorita Of The Week:

Oh wait, here's a section that doesn't involve Kevin: Baby Seal Bashers, 55.86 points. Interesting that you would leave Rothlisberger and Parker on the bench. Interesting, but not wise. Yet more proof that two brains will never defeat utter laziness.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Signs of life?
Built for the second half of the season?
He lay in wait until the time was right to strike?
Dead cat bounce?

(Only one of the above questions should actually be a statement. Hint - it has an animal in it.)

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land