Week 7 Summary

A Special Section - The Most Bizarre Illness Department:

You really have to love the internet. Kellen Winslow was back on the field this week after being hospitalized with an undisclosed illness. Further digging on the intra-web found the following:

It’s not being reported anywhere and I’m not completely sure of this information, but it is rumored that KW2’s recent illness has to do with his testicles. According to the rumor, they had swelled up to the size of grapefruits and that is why he was admitted into the hospital.

That's just good journalism. No wonder the Browns wouldn't disclose the information. Hauser is happy to have him back. And even happier that one of his players has giant, swollen balls.

Offense? Nope:

Average score this week checked in at 89.07 points, down a bit as those that were, did not and those that were not, did. A couple of huge scoring games on the schedule (Bears vs. Vikes, and the MNF beat down that the Pats laid on the Broncos), but most were low scoring affairs.

700 Point Club:

Just me, bitches. As it should be. This place is sweet. Stronger drinks, more comfortable chairs, a young Thai woman with incredibly strong hands. Nicey. Despite some mental errors (see below), I maintain my death grip on first place.

And although Thanksgiving was last weekend, I'm still thankful for opponents like Devo (a near SOTW performance of 61.28 and a fall to mid-pack) and Kevin. Oh Kevin, what a difference a week makes. Perhaps Karma didn't like you jumping on Brad Johnson in a schadenfreude celebration of Romo's injury and my bad luck. But now, you face your own troubles with QBs and fingers. Chin up, old chap. Stiff upper lip. Never let them see you sweat.

And I don't know what happened to security at the door of the 600 point club, but everybody and their brother got in there this week (almost - Tim, Jay, Mike D. please get your cleaning supplies ready).

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

That would go to me this week. And I had choices, too many damned choices. Whoever said "sometimes the wrong decision is better than no decision" wasn't talking about fantasy football. Hmmm...let's see, I could have started M. Moore and his 30.40 points or D. Rhodes and his 23.40 points. But no, I decided to go with Reggie Bush and Matt Forte for a bed-crapping combined 19.30 points. I contend that my owner/manager moves were opportunistic and brilliant, but my coaching skills were highly flawed, indecisive, and ultimately, Madge-like.

Injuries, Injuries Everywhere:

Well, maybe not everywhere, but sure as hell on my team:

Tony Romo - Broken Pinkie, out 4 weeks. Dallas is coming apart at the seams. TO is a cancer, Wade Phillips is Fusco-like in his coaching skills, and Jerry Jones is INSANE.

Reggie Bush - Torn Meniscus, out 4 weeks (I had this at UWO, got it scoped and I was up and drinking again in 4 days, he should be called Pussy Bush)

Jay Cutler - Mysterious finger injury, but returned to the game and a bye week to heal up

Sammy Morris - Knee, status unknown. It was just too good to be true, Tim. I'm sure the scramble to pick up every other RB New England has ever talked to will pay off though.

Clinton Portis - And I quote, "foot, ankle, shin, and trapezius". Yikes.

The Asleep At The Switch Department:

I don't like this section. It will no longer be a part of the summary.

Trade Department:

No action last week.

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 25 points (Now that's more like it, yet somehow, it feels flash-in-the-pan-ish)

LT - 6.7 points (still with a bad case of turf toe, and causing a rash for poor Midge)

Midge - 8th Place, in a battle with Harris and Lance.

Performer of The Week:

Tim Ashby. TIM ASHBY?!?!?!?!? 119.81 Points, on the Most yards rushing by New England since 1985, a decent Cassell performance, and strong overall play from most of the rest of his team. Clearly the self-help tapes are having an effect. I can only assume he has redirected staff at his new employer onto "special projects". I'd like to drink the kool-aid here, but it feels more like a dead-cat bounce as the company you keep (Jay and Mike D.) reflects poorly.

Honourable mention to Lance, 117.63 points AND a live appearance at MNF's tarty waitress judging. Feel free to ask Harris about the waitress that he feels has some sort of personal vendetta against him. It is a good story.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jay Hauser, 57.50 points. Oh man. An overall bed-crapping by most of his team. I'll admit, it was touch and go there for awhile until Devo and I had people play and deliver on Monday night. At least you can still play with Winslow's giant, swollen balls.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

100.01 Points? What happened? Steven Jackson and his 35.60 points. But, more curiously, why do you have 3 TEs (starting the one that was benched from his role on special teams), 2 Kickers, and 2 Defences (one of which is Houston)??? Seriously, just spend 90 seconds on your line-up and you could be competing with Tim and Jay.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land