Week 3 Summary

Feedback:

I received some criticism last week for being far too kind / soft in my summaries to date. People asked "Where's the jihad-instigating rhetoric?" and "What about the personal attacks?" and "Where's the expletive filled rants?". All good feedback. I shall take the kinder, gentler Fusco out in the alley for a beat-down. It is my readers that keep me going.

Holy Offense:

Lots of scoring on the field and in fantasy points. Friggin' Pat Smith - It could be karma welcoming him into her warm breast. Part of Pat's success has to do with the early season performance of the Atlanta Falcons. Work with me as I'm developing a theory: Pat has a dog, Roxy the chocolate lab. Michael Vick was involved in dog fighting. Unlike Vick, Pat only beats Roxy when necessary. Vick goes to jail, Pat gets lots of fantasy points. Sometimes you have to stretch for karma, but there it is. F*&kin' Pat and his f*&kin' points.

The New Tom Brady - Part 2:

Could it be Jay Cutler? He's airing the ball out like crazy (86.35 points) and Kevin has so much dirty man-love for him that he told me he wants to be his "insulin pump". Weird.

300 Point Club:

In keeping up the 100+ point per week performance, Pat, Kevin and yours truly have made it to canapes and cocktails in the 300 point club. In a return to the natural order, I have taken over first place and Kevin and Pat will watch in awe. Remember, I like my toast light, my coffee strong, and my newspaper ironed before reading..


The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Ronnie Brown, RB, Miami Dolphins. Shitballs, that would have been a great move. Rushed for 4 TDS, and threw another - 8 Billion fantasy points. Jeff Alls, crying. I can't believe you didn't start him. This from ESPN.com:

The Miami Dolphins named Ronnie Brown their starter, but only 16 percent of fantasy owners who have Brown started him. Brown is owned in 96 percent of ESPN Fantasy leagues and is currently the top point scorer in Week 3.

Speaking of Madge, let's check out Delhomme and his -5.53 points on the week. You should have learned from Devo's pain.

Performer of The Week:

This hurts to type: Hauser, 120.11 points. Too bad he didn't start Johnson (17.10 points) and the Philly D (19 points). The rest of the league should brace themselves for even more ridiculous trade offers.

Senorita Of The Week:

Jamie Harris' Beach Brawlers. 49.87 Points and a Mike D. like performance. Big Ben with -10.83 points who went down more times than the new guy in prison.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Welcome to the 100 point club, it only took 3 weeks. Holy crap your team sucks. Let's hope it is all the newlywed sex that is keeping him distracted. Maybe try starting players that aren't listed as "Questionable" or "Inactive" - just a hint.

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office,
Commissioner's Plaza
Suite 2200