Week 16 Summary - Far From Over

Interesting Developments:

Lots of movement in the the penultimate week of the season. Week 16 saw big point harvests on both Thursday and Saturday nights, the Cards get crushed by the Pats (and further proof that Cassel is a genetic duplicate of Brady and that Bill Belichick is hugely involved in the human genome project), Tennessee spank Pittsburgh, yet another Detroit loss, a Cincy shut out, and another 4 TD performance by DeAngelo "Buick Enclave" Williams. Average scoring came in at 93.28 points.

Week 16 also brought a rather dynamic leadership situation as Pat and Tim see-sawed back and forth swapping the role of leader countless times. A productive MNF for Pat's Green Bay players saw him re-claim the lead. Pat now leads Tim by just 4.53 points going into the final week of play. Speaking with Pat over the weekend, you could hear the stress and concern in his voice and in his words.

What I miss from these so-called leaders is the trash talk and bravado. Where's the over-confident verbage? Where's the riot-instigating emails? Where's the self-important team names? When Kev was in the lead, he spewed confidence. When I was in the driver's seat, I let everybody know how good I was. Even Tim tried to pound his chest a bit in the only way that Tim can. But Pat, what the hell kind of a winner are you?!?!?! This facade of humility will not stand!


Performer of The Week:

Lance, in his Chanukah present to us all, had all the candles in the menorah lit as he chalked up a big week with 134.60 points. He is a virtual lock on 3rd place, but he might just have an outside chance of teaching Pat and Tim a lesson about who to watch. Um, very outside. But, boy they wouldn't see that coming.

Honourable mention to Timbo, who racked up 133.36 DeAngelo-fuelled points. Close, but no cigar.

Senorita Of The Week:

Poetic Seals, 59.26 points. Eric/Sunny continue their fade. I am comfortable in making the following prediction:

You will finish in second last place. Mike D. is not a threat to your standing.

See what happens when you mess with The Fusco?

1600 Point Club:

Another week and another club for Timbo and Pat. Good for you guys.

In what shall be called, "Commissioner's Privilege", the league has rounded Fusco's score of 1599.87 to 1600 hundred to allow entry into the 1600 point club. Call it member emeritus status or whatever the hell you like, but he's in the club and he's self-medicating again.

Finally, in what can only be called a Christmas Miracle, it would appear that the club is inclusive and non-denominational, as it has accepted its first Jewish member. Welcome Lance. While there are many kosher options at the buffet, I suggest the bacon. We won't tell.

The Jason Madge Memorial "Why Didn't I Start THAT Guy" Fantasy Player of The Week:

Oh Patrick. Why oh why abandon your winning ways. Benching P. Rivers and his many points (32.28 in this example) may have cost you the whole enchilada. Or at least a burrito. Cincy D's 23 shutout points also would have been helpful. What will you do next week? Can you out-think those that aren't thinking? Could this be the error that we look back on and mock you about for years to come?

Update on The Ms. Midge Experiment:

AP - 5.20 points. No TDs, 2 fumbles.

LT - 11.0 points. No TDs.

Midge - 10th place. Those briefs signs of a pulse must have been some sort of false-positive. Hauser has gapped you and it looks like you're back in no man's land.

I think Madge paid me a compliment at the Fraternity dinner on Saturday night, but I'm not sure. Now granted, I was self-medicating with robaxa-scotches and vodkas, but Madge said something along the lines of, "There may be better statistical analysis out there and Simmons usually writes a funnier column each week, but I look forward to Tuesday mornings." High praise indeed, and it is much appreciated.

A Special Section Dedicated To Mike D.:

Did your beloved Cards ever look horrible on Sunday in their 47-7 beat-down in New England. Watching the game in all its snowy-HD glory was entertaining but heartbreaking as the mental picture of you sobbing uncontrollably in your official Arizona Cardinal pyjamas (with feet, of course) taught me how truly fortunate I am this holiday season for not being a Cards fan. I look forward to watching their play-off game with you. I'll bring the chicken wings and a box of moisturizing tissues for you.

You know it is bad when former defensive lineman and current sideline reporter Tony Siragusa is saying things like "At some point you play at least for respect". Ouch.

State of the League:

Just one week of play remains and a few of the games actually mean something. Despite, the changes this week, we still have a number of battles:

The battle to win it - We have a shaken Pat, a surging Tim and a lurking Lance. OK, Lance is probably a non-factor (see below), but who knows. Can Pat hold off Tim for one more week? Can Tim continue the surge or will he STB? Will the many permutations of meaningful and meaningless games, injuries, rest, and weather prove to be the difference? Will it come down to a man-to-man battle?

Bronze medal battle - As I wrote last week, this one is about dignity. Well Happy Chanukah, Lance, the dignity is all yours. Kevin and I are out of it. Or are we?

Off the podium (4th & 5th), but plotting revenge against the others - It is Kevin and me. Saturday's fraternity dinner also brought some candid analysis of the season that was. If you buy Kevin a number of guiness, he might share that candid analysis with you.

The Battle to finish in the Top Half - Harris has 6th place and has stretched his lead over Alss from 18 to 21 points. Will it be enough? I think I still have an issue with Harris being satisfied with his "accomplishment". Someone once said that the secret to happiness was low expectations. I think I fired them.

Then the rest:

Devo - how the mighty have fallen. I think it was that crack about graphing the commissioner's performance.

Hauser - Just to confirm, auto-draft screwed you, right? Some would say that life is an auto-draft sometimes.

Madge - See you own section above. A number of readers have written in demanding that section be cut next year.

Eric / Sunny - It was amazing to see you two in the same room on Saturday. It was funny to watch Sunny try to distance himself from anything to do with the league.

Mike D. - Well, you know.


MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE

Commissionarily Yours,

Your Commisssioner
Commissioner's Office, Suite 2200
Commissioner's Plaza
400 Commissioner's Blvd.

Fantasy Land